perpetual spirit

The Happy Book!!!

2010-11-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

I have waited almost a full year for the happy book to make its way to my house. I was so apprehensive about its arrival, because I had no idea what to expect and kept thinking, what if I am not creative enough to think of all happy things.In retrospect, I can't believe how silly I was to be worried. This book is amazing!

First off, it is much smaller than I thought. It is the perfect size to carry with me to write in whenever I feel the urge.
Second, the prompts are really inspiring and not hard to respond to at all. I want to write on every page. I know my group has had it for a while and I can't figure out how the thing is not filled to the brim or was it and a new one was started. Curiouser and curiouser, I say...
Third, what definitely makes the book even better than buying it brand new is reading what everyone else has written. There are some really awesome collages and an absolutely gorgeous painting, which have been contributed. I smiled when I read about Jill the Jack Russell Terrier and Jamie even put in a really nice link to Danette giggling. I feel so connected to people I have never even met.

The Happy Book has made me feel so happy since its arrival on Friday. My goal is to mail it back to the next person this Friday, so I am spending about an hour with it each night. But, I know what I am buying for my birthday in 13 days!!!!

I can't thank Jamie, and of course Danette, for creating this circle. I feel so honored to be a part of it!

Dreams...

2010-06-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am a bit leery about sharing my dreams with others because people like to poison dreams. Sometimes they do it on purpose and sometimes they do it without thinking, but nonetheless, there are people out there just waiting to rain on our parades. We all have people like this in our lives. I had a roommate in college who did this to me all the time. I once told her I wanted to do a juice fast for thirty days. I had been researching it and was so excited to see how many people fast like this often. Upon telling her, she immediately made a face and said, " I know you and there is no way you can fast for thirty days." She may have meant it jokingly, but that little seed of negativity was stored in my brain and when I embarked upon my fast, it dictated how well I would do, because I let it. I lasted six days. I don't blame my former roommate, I blame myself for sharing my dream with her. I was proud of fasting six days, but I learned an important lesson. When I begin something that others may not support, I keep it to myself.

What I love about dreams though is that sometimes when chasing after our dreams and doubting whether we are on the right path,or if it is even worth it, the universe gives us signs. If we are paying attention, we will see these signs and soon they will become more and more frequent. My life has been full of signs lately and I am over the moon about it. It definitely gives me the reassurance I need.

I recently watched Tim Burton's, Alice in Wonderland and I was so inspired by it. As weird as it sounds, this was always my favorite story as a child. The movie is actually based on Through the Looking Glass, which as an adult I now find even better than the original. Alice doubts herself when facing the Jabberwockey and in the film the Mad Hatter is by her side. This is their conversation:

Alice Kingsley: This is impossible.
The Mad Hatter: Only if you believe it is.
Alice Kingsley: Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
The Mad Hatter: That is an excellent practice.

It is so simple, but so true. We can make anything happen if we believe in it enough. As long as we don't let anyone poison us with their negativity. I am hard at work manifesting some pretty big dreams. I am a very impatient person, but little reminders like this keep me going. Thanks Tim Burton!

Happy Friday!

2010-02-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Another week down and another chance to celebrate what made me happy this week. Again, if you are not familiar, I am participating in Jamie's Happy Book club and each week we post what made us happy. So, here is mine:

1. I am finally getting my BLENDER!!! I have wished for this on several Wish Wednesdays and the universe has answered. It has been ordered and paid for. I am just awaiting its arrival and it is killing me!

2. I followed my healthy eating regime almost perfectly this week. Last week I undid a lot of progress I had made in January. I was drinking soda, eating chocolate and chips and devouring ice cream like I was a mad woman. Obviously, I was dealing with more than just physical cravings. It was a full on emotional blowout. This week I am proud to say I have released two of the pounds I added last week.

3. I exercised willingly for the first time in almost a year. I will walk places for fun, but I hate doing anything I feel obligated to do. Exercise is an obligation to me. I need to change my view point and I am working on it. I am just proud that I actually got out there and did it. It made me happy.

4. I have sprouts! Last week, I planted an Aerogarden and this week I have sprouts. It makes me happy to come home and see the progress of my little herb sprouts.

5. New TV shows! I love Feb. because the reruns are over and my favorite TV shows are back. I know TV should not bring me so much happiness but it does and I am glad my shows are all new.

So, that is it. I cannot wait until next week when hopefully I will have a lot of new happy's to share.

What made me happy this week?

2010-01-22T11:59:00.000-08:00

Because I am taking part in the Happy Book club, Jamie asked us to post what makes us happy each week.
This week was a bit of a dud for me because I had injured my back and had an allergic reaction to the medication my doctor gave me. It took me three days to figure it out so I was really sick most of the week.

But, what made me really happy was seeing my new blog come together. I have mentioned before that I am really passionate about raw/vegan food and I felt that my posts about raw food didn't link me to the raw world as concretely as others because my blog wasn't dedicated solely to food. My husband is a web designer and he offered to design a site just for my food blogging. He picked out a perfect theme and it all started to fall together so easily and my creativity really flourished. I have come up with some great ideas for that blog that seem to have just started flowing through me. It makes me happy that others are reading what I write about food and I feel a resurgence of creativity all because of this little food blog. Obviously, I love all of my blogs. But, my main blog is about my children and this blog is about my spiritual quest for self. My new blog is where I get to display my play time! So, if you like raw/ vegan food check out earthyfoody.com
If not, it is okay, I am not offended. I am glad you made here and I look forward to reading about what made you happy this week!

Wednesday already?

2010-01-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? I can't believe it is Wednesday again already. I just barely made it in time for Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday. Today's wish is a good one, well they are all good, but this one popped up at the right time.

What do you wish for your family?

With all of this forgetting what day it is and running around like crazy person, I wish for more time. I wish for time to relax with my family. I wish for time to play with my family. I wish for time to laugh with my family. I wish for time to get everything accomplished and still enjoy my family. Well, I am now out of time.

What do you wish?

Wishcasting Wed.

2010-01-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

Jamie's brilliant question of the day is, How do you wish to shine?

I envision myself shining as a glowing symbol of health by eating mostly raw/vegan and running/yoga. That goes along with last weeks wish of course, but it is not so much an ideal body or lifestyle I seek, but the confidence I will gain from that lifestyle and ultimate transformation. Then I know I will shine in all aspects of my life. I want to be confident in who I am and unfortunately, I still feel less than I could be. It reflects especially in my relationships both personal and professional. I am afraid to stand up and say how I feel. I try to avoid disagreeing with others and I even notice with my students, I don't discipline and follow through like I should because I seek approval in all aspects. This is not shining to me and it is not my truth. So, I wish to shine in my truth and through my truth, to become the person I know that I am underneath all of my fear!

Wishcasting Wed.

2010-01-06T06:36:00.000-08:00

What dream do you wish to explore?

Boy Jamie really has me thinking today. It could also be that I haven't participated in Wish Wed. in months, so I am breaking out of a shell.

I have so many dreams but two that hit the top of my mind are to be a raw food guru. By this I mean, I want to practice eating mainly raw foods and live the raw food lifestyle, but I would also like to write books and speak to the public about the benefit of eating more raw foods.

I also wish to become more physically fit and I would like to run a 5K sometime this year. I have wanted to do this for sometime and this is the year to explore that dream!

I am back!

2010-01-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

I have missed having a separate blog for all things related to me and my spiritual quest. So, I am returning after a long period of time dedicated to the nurturing of my new little one. She is now six months old and I feel it is time for me to find my bearings and myself again. I also plan to be more involved in some of the happenings over at JamieRidler studios and I would like to use this blog to record my reflections. I am amazed at how much traffic this little blog received while I was away. Thank you to everyone who stopped by! It is nice to feel loved or a least voyeur-ed.

I am at work today and it has been a long hard road back. I enjoyed being with my little ones too much and almost feel resentful to have to be here. I also know this afternoon I have to see someone I am not anxious to see. This person was involved in a relationship with one of my co-workers and it didn't work out. Unfortunately for this person, "they" feel scorned and are trying to garner support. I don't like confrontation and don't really want to be asked to choose sides. I was complaining about this to my hubby this morning and he used a quote from Star Wars that put it in perspective. Of course I can't remember the actual Star Wars quote, so I will use this one to illustrate what he said, "What we see depends mainly on what we look for." -John Lubbock
He told me not to manifest a confrontation, just go in there bright and bubbly, say hello and leave time for little discussion. He is right and sometimes I hate how wise he is. So, I am facing this afternoon with a more postive attitude and am going to take sometime to manifest a postive outcome before I face the situation. I love how he can make Star Wars relate to almost every situation in life. If not Star Wars then Lord of the Rings, Star Trek or Battlestar Gallactica. It is good to know he finds direction from somewhere. Where do you find your direction and inspiration and do you mainfest things unknowingly by worrying? Just wondering.

Moving

2009-04-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my time with this blog. I am not going far, but I am feeling the need to consolidate. I am finding my creativity stifled by having two blogs with which to keep up and have decided to just use my original blog:

http://breedale.blogspot.com/

I will continue to follow many of Jamie's prompts over there and I will also be posting a lot about my slow transition into the raw vegan lifestyle as well as life after newborn baby. I thank you for following my journey on this blog, Perpetual Spirit and hope you will continue to keep in touch with me on Perpetually Changing aka breedale.blogspot.com

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-03-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

This wish is so big and so important and am torn between desirous truth and moral compassion. Jamie asks this week : What is your money wish?

Now, I am a very compassionate person and I know that even though I too can feel the crunch of these economic times, I am fortunate enough to be in a place where honestly I could use my wish for the good of others who need it more than I. However, having said that, I know that if I use my wish for my benefit and the benefit of my family, I will be in a better place to help others and spread my wealth to those in need. So do I just give them the wish, or do I take the wish for myself and see what happens?

I am afraid to say, I have to take the selfish route here and I am a bit ashamed that I have not let my philanthropist self shine out. I do have constant worries that I am strapped with though, such as will I ever be able to pay off my college loans and my husbands? I won't dare say how much we owe combined, but let's just say it could almost be another house. Thankfully, we don't owe the American norm in credit card debit, but we are still pecking away at the small amount that we do owe and I would like it to banish it. Although I work for the state and have supposedly good insurance, the cost of having a baby is astronomical and I owe both the doctor and the hospital my share of that cost. Any other country and it would not be a worry, but alas I live in America and well... I won't go into how I feel about health care. We also have a car to pay off and a house I would like to pay off so that we could have the freedom to have a blank slate and live debt free.
I will not wish for millions, although who doesn't want to be a millionaire? Mine is a small sum of money I will wish for but enough to cover the odds and ends and set my family on a worry free path. It would be a new beginning. I don't really want new and exciting things. I just want to enjoy the life I have and help others without feeling like I am taking away from helping my own family. So, I have a number in my head for this wish, but I will not reveal it. I am learning about revealing too much on the blog as it is causing me problems. However, I will state my wish as such:

My money wish is to have enough to pay off our debts and live life with a clean slate so I can freely give to others without feeling guilty.

I can't wait to see how others handle this same wish. I hope it comes true for everyone!

Back to Normal- sort of

2009-03-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

I went back to work on Friday and I managed ok. No pains. The doctor prescribed a brace to wear to support my belly muscles since they determined I am absolutely not in labor. Thank goodness! I do have to stay off of my feet as much as possible and hubby is diligently seeing to that! I am glad it all worked out the way it was supposed to. My students made me feel so missed and welcomed back, as did my co-workers. For me, it was really uplifting. I am not much of a loner. I really enjoy being social and having a social netwrok, so I am going to take it easy for the next six weeks and enjoy the friends I have at work. Then I will be off for the rest of the summer. The next six weeks are going to be crucial in class because I am prepping them for finals and moving up to the next level. I am glad I still get to be a part of it.

Aside from that news, I don't have much else to add today. I am enjoying the arrival of spring and basking in the rebirth as much as I can. Life is good, if you want to see it that way.
I still believe if you look for the bad, that is what you see and that is what you get. But if you look for the good, have hope and faith that everything will turn out for the best, then the best is what you get. I may be an eternal optimist, but I am happier that way. Life is too short not to be. So stay positive and look for the best in everyone and every situation. See if it doesn't change your outlook too! I also like what beautiful vegan had to say recently, "Look for something funny in every situation!" I couldn't agree more and I am thankful for the reminder. It is so true and applicable to every situation. Enjoy your lives!

Wishcasting Wed.

2009-03-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to have the free time to be able to post a response to Jamie's Wishcasting Wed. prompt.

The prompt for today is : What do you wish to say yes to?

Well, I didn't have to think to long about this one. I wish to say yes to all that the universe has planned for me, especially if it was not something I had planned for myself. I have lived long enough to learn that life gives you what you need, not always what you want and somehow it always works out better. I am still like a child sometimes though and like to stomp my feet because I am not getting my way. So, I am wishing to say yes and accept what is prepared for me lovingly by the universe. This is a valuable reminder for me, especially during this bed rest period, so thank you Jamie for knowing exactly how to pinpoint the important reminders we all need!

Bed Rest Update

2009-03-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

I want to thank Serena and Genie for their wonderful comments. It feels good to have a tribe, as Genie put it, and I am so thankful to them for being there and sending their well wishes from both Australia and Canada respectively. It means so much to me ladies, thank you. I also want to thank Shaina who has been a good friend of mine for almost seven years now. She offered to rush over to help me, which is an amazing offer. Thank you so much Shaina. I will call you soon!

So, I am still on bedrest. After a trip to the er on Sunday morning, the doctor said I should stay on bedrest for three more days. I will see the doctor on Wed. and if the contractions/cramps haven't stopped then we will go from there. They put me on some medicine to help relax my uterus and hopefully stop the contractions. Although this was a bit of an ordeal, I have been able to gain a positive perspective on this. First of all it is raining, so being on bed rest today and tomorrow feels like I got the better part of the deal. I mean who really wants to leave the house on days like these anyway. Second, I got my planning done for the week, so if I am out for the whole week I know my classes will be covered and I won't be too far behind when and if I return.
Third, I thought about all of the reasons people are put on bedrest and I was suddenly overcome with gratitude. I am not sick, I am not in fear of dying and my body is fully functional. I don't have to take multitudes of medicine to keep me comfortable and I am not stuck at the hospital away from my family and pets. I am expecting to get through this and have a beautiful baby girl to take care of. The way I see it now is, if I have to get out of work six weeks earlier than planned and stay home to ensure my baby and I are both well, I am still pretty damn lucky. I was reading some horror stories about women with similar pregnancy problems and they had it far worse off then I did. I needed the time to vent the other day to get my mind wrapped around this but now that I have I feel a lot better. I feel fortunate. I feel I can do more good by being positive than I will by complaining and being fearful. I am thankful that I have this outlet and that I have supportive friends both near and far who will rally me through this. Thank you so much for being there! I will continue to post and hopefully find inspiring topics to keep this blog flurishing. Have a great day where ever you may be!

My long absence

2009-03-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, the last time I wrote I was preparing for spring break and was lamenting that I had not had much time to catch up online due to lack of computer access. Well, I now have a lap top and am happy to finally be up and running. However, something else has come up now that I really feel I must blog about. It is more of a vent then anything so although I like for this blog to remain positive and uplifting for others, I feel I have to have somewhere to release my emotions and this seems the most likely place.

I was enjoying my spring break immensely. Although, I didn't rest as much as I should, I had a fabulous check up and was feeling great, until Thursday. Thursday afternoon I started to feel some crampy feelings, like during that time of the month. I got off of my feet and rested for the remainder of the evening. I went to bed after drinking a lot of water and lying on my left side, hoping the cramps would go away. The next morning they continued. While they were not painful, they were still very worrisome and I called my doctor immediately. He wanted to see me right away. He checked my cervix and saw that everything was in good working order. He tested me to see if my hormone production was changing, encouraging labor but the test came back negative. He told me to go home and treat this as preterm labor anyway. Rest, relax and don't over exert. If I am still having cramps on Monday or if they worsen I am to see him again.

It is now Saturday. I am still cramping and although I am trying to maintain a postitive outlook about all of this, I am still very nervous. First, it is way too early for a baby to arrive. I am only 24 weeks along and I know there are some pretty hefty concerns if a baby comes that early' so of course I want to do all I can to keep my body from trying to begin labor. Second, I hate the timing of this. Why couldn't this have happened last week when I was beginning a week off. I know that the world does not revolve around me and my job will survive without me, but I hate to let anyone down and missing the first day back after spring break really worries me, much less the thought of bed rest.

I am scared to death of bed rest. I know exactly what lesson the universe is trying to teach me here, as I have seen it many times before. If I am put on bedrest, I will have to learn acceptance. I will have to accept that I can't make plans and not expect them to change. I will have to accept that I will have to ask for help from others and I will have to accept that I will have to relinquish control both at work and at home and let things happen as they will. All of this is difficult for me. I like being in control. I really like feeling like my students depend on me and if someone else takes over my classes that means that they don't really need me. I have always been a person who would rather do it myself then ask for help and if I can't get up to make myself lunch, I will be swallowing a lot of pride. Now, I know I am jumping way ahead of myself here and I need to just take it one day at a time and see what happens, but I was so not planning for this. I kept putting this possibility out of my mind. I kept telling myself, I am going to make it through this pregnancy problem free. I am going to finish my semester, I am going to have a month and a half to prepare for the baby before she even gets here after the semester. Every year it seems I have had some major catastrophe that has put me behind at work. I wanted to be the every woman who could be pregnant and finish my semester without complaint or extra leave time. Again, I know it still could happen but with every cramp/contraction I have a little more hope is being squeezed out of me as reality sets in. A reality I don't want to face.

I know all of this sounds so selfish. I should be happy to have carried my baby this long already. I should be thankful that I have the ability to be on bedrest and still provide for my family if it comes to that. I should be focused on keeping this baby safe and healthy and I am which is why this all feels so challenging. I feel so conflicted. I want to stay completely in bed because I don't want to feel even the slightest twinge for fear that I might hurt the baby or put her in jeopardy of coming early. Even though the doctor said just to take it easy, I am afraid to even move to the couch for fear of moving too much. I feel like I am going crazy with worry and I need to just calm down. I need to breathe and really relax. I cannot control what will happen next and I think that is probably what bothers me the most. I will get through this though and either way I will be back on the blog catching up on all that is over due, if only to take my mind off of the situation. If you read this all the way through, thanks for being there. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I will keep posting as the situation changes or doesn't change.

Keeping up!

2009-03-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

I thought would just post a little something so everyone knows I am still alive. I have been suffering from "The Crud" this week. Everyone at work has it and it is really awful. I even took one whole day off just to sleep. So, I haven't posted any responses to The Next Chapter book series for two weeks. I have been reading, just not posting. My lap top officially croaked, so I am waiting on its replacement. That makes it difficult to get computer time. Hubby's house computer is usually being used by him when I have a free second, so I am using my down time from all sources computer related to reconnect with myself. I am at work now, but in a few hours I will begin my blissful week away from here and this illness ridden building and will be away from yet another main computer source. Being that this is my spirit column, I thought I would tell you what I plan on doing with all of this free time to brighten my spirit.

The first thing I am doing is abstaining from all things political or economical or even celebrity gossip related. I will not step on a pedestal here, but I do believe negative energy spreads as quickly as a wildfire and there is so much negative stuff being said about our economy, our president, and the state of our country that it is creating more negative emotions and feelings throughout. No, I am going to focus solely on my reaction to every situation and my reaction to this is to step away. I won't engage in political conversations and I will even boycott John Stewart, my favorite political satirist and Perez Hilton, celeb gossip blogger. I think it is important to get back to what is happening everyday in my life and what I have control over. Raising my ire over issues that I cannot influence one way or another has become an improper way for me to use my time. While I do not condone flighty ignorance to the rest of the world as the opposite extreme, I think one week out of the loop will actually renew my spirit more than anything else.

The second thing I am going to do is play outside. Although it was snowing at the beginning of the week, we will reach 70 degree temps today and throughout the weekend. I will visit the beach, take long walks and prep my yard for my spring garden. I will play with my dogs and my daughter outside and I will enjoy the beauty of blossoming spring.

The third thing I plan to do is to play creatively with food and collage. I have really been following a pretty strict vegan/ raw foods diet and I am feeling better than ever. I have a lot of recipes I plan on making over the break. I am even having a whole bread baking day with a friend. I plan on trying to make some of the really inspiring looking raw desserts that I see all over the blogs. I also plan on making a really awesome collage for my Full Moon Dream Board.

The last thing I plan on focusing on is taking time to journal and meditate. I have so much going on in my head, so many dreams and ideas. I want to have lots of quiet time to let them wander out and be free to roam and play.

So, I will catch up on my book posts and I will even visit and comment on my inspiring friends blogs', which I have had to bypass during this sick busy period. I will not spend much time online though because there is so much world out there to see, so many joyous things to focus on and so much life to live. I will practice living simply and I will enjoy it. I hope you enjoy your week as well!

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-02-25T06:01:00.001-08:00

I have a double reason to post today. First, it is Wishcasting Wednesday and Jamie has asked us, to whom do we wish to send love?

I am excited to answer that for the second reason I wanted to post today. One year ago today I was admitted into the hospital. This wasn't a regular hospital though, it was a rehab facility. I had been prescribed some pretty heavy drugs from my doctor and I had a very serious reaction that caused suicidal thoughts. I thought going to the hospital would mean a restful place in bed with the tv to soothe my aching soul. I was so wrong. They admitted me into a rehab/psyc ward and I felt so humiliated. There was one man there who wouldn't speak to anyone, and when he did he just yelled un-pleasantry's.There were old and young alike. Some would cry all day. Others seemed not all there, like they were just a shell of themselves. Thankfully, my roommate was a woman my age and we really connected. I was surprised to find that like me, she wasn't crazy or a heavy drug addict but was having trouble dealing with some circumstances in her life. We both felt like we didn't belong, but we made ourselves interact with others, becoming the mothers of the group for the week we were there. We made sure others were eating or talking when they felt sad. We played ping -pong, pool and basketball with the others and actually had as much fun as we could have being sort of incarcerated. We weren't allowed to watch TV, listen to music or surf the net. It was a blissful, although bizarre vacation that really helped me to recuperate. I have written about this many times and I am sorry to repeat myself, but I am always amazed at how one week changed my entire life. Not only did I heal from my allergic reaction, I healed from depression. My year has been one of the best I have experienced in a long time.

So, today with this wish, I have to wish to send love to all of the beautiful people who helped me along the journey, both in and out of the hospital. I also have to send out love to everyone on these blogs. Without the spiritual connection to others here, I might not have found the support I needed to open my wings and soar away from the dark place I was hiding. So thank you for the love you have given to me and I wish to send it right back to you. Have a joyous day!

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-02-18T05:54:00.001-08:00

Jamie has a very good question today for wishcasting Wednesday

Where do you wish to go?

I will try to limit myself because honestly there are millions of places I would love to go. However, I will stick to the top five.

-I wish to go to NY to visit my family
-I wish to go to California to see friends, family and the sights
-I wish to go to South Dakota to visit my husbands family
-I wish to go to Europe and see all of the wonderful countries I can explore
- I wish to go to a raw food / vegan cooking retreat

Oh, how good it feels to wish and wish some more! I hope you have fun wishing today.

Secret 6 -Conquering Saboteurs

2009-02-16T13:33:00.000-08:00

I thought this week would make me feel bad about all of my little gremlins that need to be conquered, but it didn't. In fact this week's reading lead to a very interesting discovery. In order to keep my husband awake while driving recently, we got into a big daydream discussion. It was if we were millionares, how would we spend our money and live our lives differently. We both had this huge list of things we would do and most were not even self serving. We had many charitable ideas and ideas for companies we would create, classes we would take, places we would visit. Then after seeing the equally thought provoking movie, The Curious case of Benjamin Button, I was left with the question, If you can live your life anyway you like why don't you. Now I suppose I could provide a long list of gremlin inspired answers, but the big one that keeps returning that I had never really considered it as one before is," I don't have the money." I am sure other people conciously see this as a saboteur but I just always considered it a reality. That in and of itself is my problem. I have learned so much about manifesting over the last year that I know better then to think that I can't do what I want simply because I am not rich. Money comes when you allow it to. When you believe you don't have enough, life says so be it. I think this was my sign. I have been trying to change my thinking for awhile and I always apply the mantra, money flows abundantly into my life. Lately, if I really look at it with perspective, money has been flowing in a lot easier and a lot faster. However, I still have held myself back from doing the things I want to do by saying , I don't have enough money. If I want to start a business or donate my time and money to a charity, the money will be there. Then I hear that voice of doubt saying, that is naive to think that way and far too Pollyanna-ish. Well, maybe I need to be a little more Polly-anna and a little less negative Nelly. I know that one day I am going to be rich enough to travel where I want, donate to whatever cause I choose, and create all the businesses I want. Simply because I can and I will. There gremlin, take that!

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-02-11T06:25:00.001-08:00

Jamie has left our prompt pretty wide open today but I am going to keep it simple.
She asked what we wish for ourselves and my answer is:

I wish to have more energy. I am starting to feel a drain whether from fighting off illness or just from growing a life inside, I am feeling worn down. I wish to have more energy to get me through the next three weeks until I have a week of vacation and can find some real time to rest!

What do you wish for yourself? Check out Jamie's excellent site to read all about wishcasting Wed. I hope your wishes come true!

Secret # 5 Commiting to self focus

2009-02-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

I am way behind on this post and the chapter for that matter but I have to say, the reason I am so late and behind is because I have been committing to self focus. As I have repeatedly shared, I am pregnant and for me at this stage in my pregnancy(5 months) I am staring to feel drained. There was so much I wanted to accomplish this week. I wanted to complete my full moon dream board, I wanted to finish my chapter, I wanted to blog about the chapter, I wanted to comment about everyone's insights, but I just couldn't find the energy. I am finding that these days even the little creative things I want to do for myself take more energy than I can expend. Being a mom, a wife and working full-time require a decent amount of energy, but being pregnant on top of that is leaving no time for anything other than rest. So, I feel that although I may not be using energy on my creative ventures, I am focusing on my self by resting and regaining my strength.

I would like to make a few comments on some insights I have had about this chapter. I really agree with the idea that women are expected to please others first and themselves last. I find it insightful to think that men are allowed by societies standards to work and be creative even if their family suffers for it. However, if a woman focuses on work and her creativity, she is selfish and a bad mother. Yet again, another double standard that the world is challenging us to break. I really like how Gail brings up the stay at home mom and how even more is expected of her. I am not a stay at home mom so when I say I need me time, it is understood why I would need time for myself. I have friends who are stay at home moms and it seems to me that sometimes their me time is taken for granted. Almost as if they are not expected to need as much because they stay at home. I have stayed at home with my daughter for the summer and I know that when taking care of a child and a home, you don't have me time. If you try to take me time everything falls out of balance. So, my biggest concern is for my friends. How can we(society) convince them that they deserve the extra time in their lives to find their creative souls and their creative time. I feel that I work because it satisfies a need that I have within me. Without it I would be unhappy. Other women are happy to focus solely on homemaking, but they still deserve the respect that working moms do. They deserve to have their outlets too. We all have different needs and different ways to allow our creativity to flourish but with pressures and expectations being so similar there is no other way to grow. We need to bust out of the confining cocoons society has created for us and fly away with our beautiful selves.
That's my take on it all. I really like this chapter and will finish it soon so I can move on to the next. Now I will go back and preserve my energy so I can get back to creating soon!

Wishcasting Wednesday!

2009-02-04T14:36:00.001-08:00

As you should know by now, I like to participate in Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday. Today's wish prompt is: What do you wish to become?

I want to become a woman who feels confident with both my appearance and talents. I want to become a mother who teaches her daughters how to value and appreciate themselves and I want to become a wife who can balance my personal fulfillments as well as my family needs. I want to become a skilled knitter, seamstress, healer, vegan, yoga instructor and award winning writer. A tall order for sure but I have lots of time to accomplish these things.

Surrendering

2009-02-01T12:53:00.001-08:00

The Secret for week 4 is - Surrendering to Creative Cycles.

I really enjoyed the reading this week because I didn't find it conjured up such painful realizations. To me the cycles come and go. I long for my creative voice during the lulls, but I use the time to find inspiration through reading or watching movies. Nature and travel inspire me also. I find any major change in routine is likely to shake some creativity loose. I try not to get too upset if the lull lasts longer than I expected. When I was younger, I used to think I had lost my creativity for good every time this happened. But as I got older, I realized it is important to work through it.

Ernest Hemmingway didn't believe in writer's block. He believed we block our selves with our negative self talk. He said(I am paraphrasing) that if you can't find the words for something you are working on, move on to something else for a while. Eventually the words you were looking for will make their way out.

I think creativity is much the same. We may find a lull in one medium but find inspiration in another. That is again a part of the cycle. A cycle to me doesn't mean one has to stop working all together. It just means that it may be time for another outlet for awhile.

I think the actual cycle of creation for me is more challenging. When inspiration strikes, the world turns upside down. I was recently reminded of the exhilarating cycle of emotions while reading Louisa May Alcott's description of Jo's writing process in Little Women. I thought it was too good not to share:

"She did not think herself a genius by any means; but when the writing fit came on, she gave herself up to it with entire abandon, and led a blissful life, unconscious of want, care, or bad weather, while she sat safe and happy in an imaginary world, full of friends almost as real and dear to her as any in the flesh. Sleep forsook her eyes, meals stood untasted, day and night were all too short to enjoy the happiness which blessed her at such times, and made these hours worth living, even if they bore no other fruit. The divine afflatus usually lasted a week or two, and then she emerged from her 'vortex', hungry, sleepy, cross or despondent."

I liked being reminded of the cycles and how we muddle through them. I have read a lot of the group's posts about this chapter and I think it is interesting to see how differently we all describe and experience cycles. It is a very personal experience for everyone, but somehow we all learn to make the cycles a part of our lives as well as a part of our being.

Chapt. 3 -Fear, risk and shutting down

2009-01-29T07:53:00.001-08:00

First, I must say thank you to all of the people who wished for me. It was amazing how your uplifting words really got me out of my funk. I really felt the creative channels opening up and the words began wanting to pour out! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

This chapter was hard for me to write about for many reasons. The first is denial. Upon reading chapter 3, I heard my inner voice saying, "I take risks, I'm not afraid of following my intuitions, I'm not afraid of failing." Then when I tried to write I had those thoughts in my head and I said, "come on, Bree get real!" I am a big risk taker, I think. Like most though, I follow my heart way more then my head. I jump into things without thinking about the outcome and usually end up changing my mind halfway through. Over the years it has lead me to be slightly more cautious because I get sick of hearing from others that I am too flighty and don't have follow through.
I admitted last week in Chapter two that fear keeps me from writing. Fear of criticism and self doubt are my demons. I recognize that I do let fear control some aspects of my creativity. However, I didn't want to go further to evaluate how banish the demons of fear that stop me from pursuing my dreams. I thought sacred space and rituals would clear them away but the fact of the matter was, without knowing what the cause was, how could I stop the voices from reoccurring?

Then my mom came to visit and suddenly I realized why I fear doing things. I don't want to hurt her by saying this and usually she doesn't read my blog, but I have to say it to release this voice. My mom, and my dad too, are my worst critics. While she was at my house for the week, my mom criticized my hairstyle, the way I dress, my spirituality, the way I do laundry, the way I raise my daughter, what I want to name my new child, what I eat, how I organize my house... I could go on and on. I don't want to harp on mom or make her sound worse than she is, but she says the things she says thinking her way is better than mine. She was raised with sisters and her mother pitted them all against each other. This made her the way she is. My mom is a competitive person and must be right ALL the time, which brings me to the issue at heart.

With all the criticism and one upping, I realize that in my life I shut down when I am forced to endure useless criticism or one upping. I don't like to compete with my family or friends and yet sometimes it seems like I am forced too. For example, my mom has always been a crochet fanatic. Now because I am knitting, she wants to knit. She knows how but never liked it. So, at first I was happy to be able to share a hobby. Then I told her I really wanted a set of bamboo needles. So, she gave me her complete set of metal needles and promptly bought herself a complete set of bamboo. I know that it is petty for me to keep track of this, but this is the one- upping I am talking about. I am currently in the state of mind that now I don't want to knit because I don't want to be one -upped. I feel my creativity shutting down. This makes not want to share my activities with others and if I don't have anything creative, no one has any ideas of mine they can steal.
I can't change my mom, and I know I have to change my reaction and just ignore all this little stuff. With friends, I can. I can look at a friend that copies something I do or one-ups me and say, whatever. But when it is my mom, I find it very hard to let go of.

This critic and competitor does not make me want to go above and beyond. She makes me shut down and that it where my fear fighting and my risk taking go kaput! So, now I have to learn how to shut her voice out. The guilt she puts on me for not following her criticisms is crippling, but I need to stop seeing myself as the child and move on. I know this, but it takes time. Reading this chapter about following my intuitive inclinations and taking risks should have inspired me, but instead I froze because her voice was there the whole week lingering in my head. Now I am cognizant of it and hopefully I can learn to move beyond it. I don't like to blame and I know it sounds like I am blaming her. Really I need to blame myself for not setting boundaries, for not standing up to her, for not showing her that I am a good person as I am even without her advice. I need to do these things for my own sanity and for my freedom. I used my mom as my main example, but really I noticed that this habit of mine is not limited to my mom. Shutting down and giving up is what I have always done if my risk taking goes awry or if the criticism gets too heavy. I am glad this chapter helped me to realized this, no matter how unpleasant it may have been!

Wish casting Wednesday

2009-01-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

My wish for Jamie's Wish Casting Wednesday is in response to her prompt:

What do you wish to create?

I wish to create two baby hats, baby burp cloths and thought provoking blog entries.

I have yet to even write my entry for secret #3 and mind you it is not for lack of time or interest. I just haven't felt the creativity to write from the heart, so these are the things I am wishing for.

Manifesting worked!!!!!

2009-01-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

A few posts back I wrote about the full moon dream board. One of the biggest things on my dream board that I was trying to manifest was a SNOW DAY. For most of the country this might be easy to do but down here in the south, we haven't seen snow in quite some years, well until today.

It snowed. Glorious snow! Of course, I had to go to work so I didn't quite manifest a day off. But that is ok. Little J saw her first snow ever and that is what was important to me. We had a snowball fight and watched the dogs romp around. She tried to catch it on her tongue and do all of the fun things children do with snow. She was elated and so was I. I didn't give up believing and it happened. It wasn't a big wish, but it was enough to please me and my family. This day was already momumental for our country, but now my four year old will remember it even more. Yay snow!!!!

Secret 2 - Honoring our inspirations

2009-01-18T06:02:00.000-08:00

Well, it is week two for The Next Chapter. We are reading the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women and it is quite an eye-opening book thus far.

In this chapter, I found myself relating to so many of the interviewee's. I was really surprised how many times I said, "Wow I do that." Especially when talking about rituals and sacred space. I know all about the room meant to be an office that is really just a store room. I clean it trying to make an efficient space for creating and it ends up being a dumping ground for all of the junk in the house. This chapter made me consciously want to focus on having a more sacred space that is not a dumping ground.

I found myself thinking a lot about writing throughout this chapter. What really made me tear up and realize my deep love and fear of writing was when Janet Hagberg said she calls upon her angels because," they remind me that writing is more than just a technique, it's really a call to go deeper into myself so I can write with courage."
I found myself remembering the surge of courage I felt while working on my creative writing thesis and ultimately the public reading I was required to give. That was the last time I felt like a real writer. I took great pride in people discussing my stories and asking me what the symbolism was. I was enthralled to watch them search for deeper meaning upon which to connect their lives to the story. I thought I had made it as a writer and I would never have to strive to be a writer again. Boy was I wrong. As soon as I graduated and started teaching, writing became a hobby, not a definition of self. Marriage and children followed and now I question if I was really a writer. This chapter reconnected me to a part of myself that I had set aside out of self doubt and fear. I felt that surge again of wanting to be a writer.
One particular woman talked of the enchanted forest of her childhood and I was transported back to my youth. The enchanted forest I visited daily contained great castles and princesses. The small creeks were great rivers and I looked for the foot bridges to carry me across. This was the place I found my writing ability. I was around eight or nine when I started traipsing home after these excursions and writing my creative little stories about the woods behind my house. I told stories simply because I had to set free the images that lived in my small mind. There was no wondering if it would be good, or if everyone would understand it. I didn't wonder if I used Foucault's theory correctly, or how to correct my dangling modifiers. I wrote because I could and I needed too. This chapter made me want to find that need again. As Virginia Woolfe writes about angels in the house who tell her what to write, I realized I too have angels. Except my angels are devils who stop me cold from creating at all and I realized through sanctuary and ritual I need to silence my devils to set my creativity free. I can do it and I will for that little writer inside who just needs to write.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-01-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

It is another day full of wishes inspired by Jamie.

Today's prompt is: What do you wish for your creativity?

I wanted to jump on this before I read anyone else's. I have a tendency to rethink my answers if I don't. So for my creativity I wish consistency and focus.

What do you wish? Join in the fun!

Sacred Life Sunday

2009-01-11T14:29:00.000-08:00

I ran across this group through Serena's blog and I love the idea of posting a picture every Sunday about something we find sacred. For me, where I live is pretty sacred. I grew up in the Hudson Valley of NY. We were hours from any beach unless you count Lake George which was still a 45 minute drive away. I love where I live now because when my day has just driven me to the brink I can make the ten minute drive to the beach and I can feel calm. I have so many water views from which to choose. The ocean, the sound and several different beaches. Yesterday, my family and I took the dogs and spent the afternoon at the beach. My spirit was still soaring today from the time spent at the beach on an early Jan. day. So, to me this is a sacred sight.

My full moon dream board

2009-01-11T07:35:00.000-08:00

Yet again, I have to thank Jamie at Starshyne for her inspiration and guidance. Although her sister Suzie started the dream board project, she has passed it on to Jamie. To read more about what they are and what they entail here is the link to dreamboards.

I fully believe in manifesting. After my class this summer with my mentor and friend Samantha, I have been able to see many of my dreams come true already, including but not limited to a new addition to the family(coming in June). So, when I read on Jamie's site that the full moon is the best time to make a monthly dream board, I jumped on it. This month is especially important as it is not only the first month of the year but also because it is the wolf moon. The biggest and brightest moon of the year.

I sat down on Friday and cut out my images and glued it all down yesterday. This is what I came up with for my month:

I think the funniest part is the snow day. I live in the south near the water so snow is a very rare thing. If I can manifest a snow day, I know I will not be the only happy camper around here. Besides, who doesn't like an extra day off especially in Jan. Also, I am not a sex fiend, but pregnancy makes you forget that it is necessary sometimes. That is there as a reminder - enough said!

I know some of the little pictures are hard to see but I promise to work on my photography skills by next month. Enjoy your monthly dreaming and thanks again to Jamie and Suzie for inspiring this creative venture!!!

Secret # 1

2009-01-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

Acknowledging your creative self

Chapter One really hit me hard right away. I have always believed everyone is creative in their own way, but I never really felt like life necessitated creativity unless it was required for a job or a specific project. I like how this chapter really validates our need to be creative and most especially a woman's need to create. I had never really considered how our creative energy could heal the world and I absolutely LOVE that vision!!!! I , like many others, really could relate to how Gail herself struggled with a disease and how creativity helped to heal her. I have had two times in life when I utilized my own creativity the same way. The first time, I was struggling with passing out spells related to my congenital heart defect. They were so bad I had to leave my job on disability. During that time, I felt lost and ultimately ended up enrolling in a creative writing graduate program. It was there that I began to find myself and really understand what I needed. Writing saved me. I had always loved writing but like most people did not believe in myself fully. The only person who could look at me and know 100% that I was meant to write was my dad and at times I even doubted him, because that is what he does and I thought he just wanted me to do what he did. In the end though, writing led me to teaching which fulfills me on a level I can't even describe.
2008 was a year in which I had to find my creativity again. Teaching wasn't the outlet it had been for me before and there was no time for writing between teaching and raising a three year old. I felt drained and depressed. What ultimately helped me out of my hole and back to myself, was creating. I taught myself how to knit. I made scarves and wash cloths. I cooked and gardened. I learned to sew and began making bags. I made a skirt and a dress for my daughter. Having creative outlets brought me back to a place of serenity.
I have also found that creativity makes me feel like I don't need to be codependent on friends and family. I have become very independent by having things that don't just keep me busy but keep me being creative. Blogging has also been a tremendous creative outlet for me.
Overall, I think this first chapter has made me see just how much I need to make creativity a part of my life and how much women need it in general. I felt drawn to this book because I thought it would help me be more creative but I realize, it is always with me and has always been. Just like Dorothy was always at home, I have always had this in me. I just had to click my heels and believe.

My Wish for 2009

2009-01-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

My favorite inspirational blogger, Jamie over at Starshyne Productions, created wishcasting in 2007 and has been nurturing it ever since. I think it is another great idea that I would love to take part in. Here is a bit more about it from Jamie's blog :

Each Wednesday you will find a prompt meant to inspire you to make a wish on your blog and, as today, there will be a place for you to leave a direct link to your week's wish.

At the heart of Wishcasting is giving and receiving encouragement and support. I invite you all to include on your wish post a request that people respond in the comments with a simple phrase, "As ______ wishes for herself, so I wish also." This is a powerful phrase that includes a belief in the wisher as well as the wish. And be sure to visit other wishers and help tend their dreams.

So, today's prompt is "What is your wish for 2009?"
My wish for 2009 is to have a healthy, happy baby and for us to see an abundance of peace and joy, especially financially.

I hope all of your wishes come true this year!

Eager Beaver

2009-01-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know what has happened to me but I seem to have completely transformed from the person who was always two steps behind to the person who is three steps ahead. I am not complaining mind you, but I think I have gotten used to the catch up mentality. I am at work and while I would love to be working, I have already created all of my assignments for the first month of class. I have everything updated, copies made, and e-mails sent. I usually use this time to grade, but as it is the first day of class, I don't have any grading. So here I sit blogging because I am over prepared. This is so not like me, but I really like living without that rush, rush pressure.

I even completed the first chapter in the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women. I can't wait to discuss the book though. Already I feel more confident about my own creativity and I feel like my creativity is needed in this world. I have never felt that before.

I think really the main reason I am so far ahead of myself in everything is the fact that we haven't had a TV in the house in a week. I never thought I was a big TV watcher. I try to avoid it, but last night as I was scrubbing my daughter's tub, doing dishes by hand and folding laundry, I realized I was doing all of that because I was bored. It is amazing how much I got done in a few hours. I can only imagine how much neater our house would look if we didn't have TV. The sad thing is it is not always from just watching regular TV. We play video games and rent movies as well so without a TV, you can't watch anything at all. I know that my two J's couldn't live without a TV, but I am sad that after tomorrow all of this will come to an end. I said I wasn't going to have any resolutions but I am thinking that maybe less time in front of the glass teet would help me continue to feel productive. I won't make any promises, but I am certainly going to try.

The other thing I am working on is my resolution I made at the beginning of December, to find a way to be more giving throughout the year. I want to be a person who goes out of her way to make the lives of others better by not putting up a wall of judgement, but to give to anyone who needs help. So many times if I see a person begging on the side of the road I assume I know how he will spend the money. I tend to not volunteer to do things to help others because I am afraid to get involved and leave my comfort zone. My boss did the most amazing thing for the New Year and I am so proud of her gumption. She invited people over to make prayer beads for our wounded soldiers. She is boxing them up and sending them to Walter Reed. Can you believe it? Her whole day was spent in service of others. The cool thing is, she gave of her time and resources, but didn't have to venture out into an unknown situation. I want to be more like that. I want to do things for others without having to leave my comfort zone for now. I think that might be the way to get me involved and committed first. So, I am brainstorming what my talents may be and what I could give or do that others would appreciate. This is a big deal for me. I have always talked about being that kind of person. This year I will become that person. If you have any suggestions, I will happily accept them!

Back to Work!

2009-01-02T06:56:00.001-08:00

So, the holidays are officially over. I am headed back to work this morning and although I felt a bit cheated out of that one last day, I know it is what I need. I really miss the people I work with. They are such an inspiring bunch. I recently spoke to a former co-worker who left to go teach at a big university and she said she has never found another department quite like ours. I think it is a unanimous opinion that we have one of the best English departments around. We may have issues surface but as far as the people we work with, they are the most unique, caring, creative and nice group of people. I missed their smiling faces and can't wait to hear about their vacations. Today will be about work, but it will also be a fun Friday of reconnecting. I can't wait!

I am posting two quotes I would like to reflect on. The first really got to me and I am trying to sort out what it means to me. Feel free to tell me what it means to you.

All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else. - Buddha...

The other is pretty self explanatory but a very good reminder.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar

Have a great day and a great weekend. The first one of the new year, make it count!!!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

New year's day always ignites hope and curiosity of what the year will bring. This year will bring new changes and challenges as each year always does. Some I can see already and others will be unexpected. For me, 2008 was about growth and abandonment of old destructive habits. This year is about peace. I hope to find peace in myself, my life, my family and my home. I am well on my way, but this will continue to be my main focus. I am learning to disassociate from things that disturb the peace in my life and I will continue to follow that practice. I also hope to focus on joy. Anything that brings joy also brings peace. I will not make a list this year because I usually stress myself out looking at a daunting list. Last year I was able to finally scratch off things that have been on my lists for years. This year I would like to focus on maintaining the success I have had with my lists of the past and just focus on peaceful and joyful activities. That is all I can handle right now.

I don't know if this year's beginning falls directly under peace or joy but we are ushering in the new year by creating a more peaceful environment. My parents took little J to their house for a few days so hubby and I could begin our living room remodel. We will be painting and putting down new floors. The process began early this morning as we packed the Christmas decorations away and began to clear the room for the changes to come. I like the feeling that immediate change will bring this new year. I feel more at peace not having a four year old to entertain during the middle of it as well. Although we both have to work tomorrow, we hope to have most of it finished by Sunday when she returns. So, I will be posting the pictures of the changes on Perpetually Creating when we finish, if you would like to view the fruits of our labor.

No matter what you decide to do to make this year a memorable one, I hope you find peace and joy in all that you do! As always, thank you for sharing in my journey and I hope you have a very wonderful new year!

This is why I love this blog!

2008-12-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

I woke this morning feeling a little better (see yesterday's post) and I followed my usual reading routine. I was overwhelmed by the kindness of the comments left from both new friends and old. It really perked up my spirit. It is good to know I am not alone and am not the only one experiencing such things. Your advice Ali, Serena & Genie was exactly what I needed to read/hear. Three different perspectives that changed my mindset substantially. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read and respond to my blog. You have helped me tremendously not only today but other times as well not only by your comments but by reading your blogs as well. Thank you!
Memolo, thank you for your kind words. As someone who knows me personally and has stood by me during some of my craziest life experiences, it means a lot to know you still think of me positively. I am lucky to call you and Jenn my friends, no matter how far away you may be.

To all of you, thank you so much. Sometimes just a kind comment can turn the world around. You have all given me a positive outlook for the day and I am feeling well armed now to deal with any petty actions that may come my way. Thanks for you support! This blog and your blogs as well are truly a healing outlet. They keep the positive coming in and I am so grateful. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Even I get the blues

2008-12-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

While I know this is my inspirational blog, I also feel compelled to show that even I succumb to the blues sometimes. I have mentioned before my battle with depression and while I usually have a good handle on it, today is one of those days where it is controlling me. I know it can be caused by any number of things and realistically I am aware that lack of sleep plus holiday stress and now post holiday excitement all play a role. I find myself feeling so lonely though right now more then ever. I don't know that it is lonely as much as it is excluded. Recently I reconnected with many people from my past on Facebook. I know that this is a useful site for many people and I am happy so many people have found old friends and flames. However, I am finding for me it is causing more anguish then happiness. I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this but I began to feel excluded when I saw some friends talking to others more then me. The kicker was the exclusive high school reunion party many of my Facebook 'friends' were invited to that I was not. It was seeing my best friends making plans to see their other friends over the holidays but no word from them about wanting to see me. I know that I am taking it probably much more personally then I should, but I can't help it. I have always been a person surrounded by friends. They were my life support. Over the last year or two I have watched more and more cease contact with me. On the exterior I say things like, "well if they can't tell me what I did wrong then they weren't the friends I thought they were.'' Inside though I am replaying our last conversations to see if I did or said something wrong. It is painful to think that people just don't want to associate with me anymore.

I know I sound contradictory because I write about living in the moment and letting go of the past, yet this is one of those issues that is really bothering me. I just want to be a better person. I want my friends to like me again and I want to know why they don't want anything to do with me. I know it would hurt to know the truth, but I think I would rather people be honest then I can at least try to evaluate what I am doing wrong in my friendships.

I am sorry for the whiny post. I am hoping with some sleep I will feel better. I have deactivated my Facebook account. I think I need to stay away from things that cause me anguish. Hopefully, when I go back to work I will feel better. I have never done well over extended periods of isolation. I am so thankful to my blog friends who are always here for me. I am glad to know I can post my true feelings and feel safe and understood. I hope all of you had a very happy holiday!

My five things

2008-12-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

I am so inspired by Caroline's blog from yesterday that I thought I would jump on that ban wagon. She wrote about five things she would like to get rid of in her life and five things she would like to keep. I found it challenging but a creative way to think about the changes I would like to make in my life and what I would like to hold onto. So here are my five changes:

1. Negativity - I want to avoid all people, places and sources of negativity and I absolutely do not want to hear myself spouting off negative talk. I have made great leaps but still need to work on this.
2. Eating through stress - I am a stress eater and I am going to focus on meal planning more efficiently so I will not reach for food thoughtlessly. I will find an alternate way to relieve stress.
3. Yelling - This is a direct copy from Caroline's but I admit, I am quick to snap at my daughter and especially our dogs. This is a useless waste of energy and I am going to breathe before I yell.
4. Keeping up with the Jones' - I am not usually overly materialistic, but there are times I find myself wanting things just because so and so has it or some celebrity is sporting it. I will make a better effort to evaluate my reasoning behind my desires. If I don't absolutely need it, I will stop coveting it.
5. Putting myself down - Again, I have made a healthy effort to fix this, but I still find myself as my own worst enemy. I really need to be kinder and stop beating myself up every time I look in the mirror.

Now the five things I want to hang onto:

1. Family time- One of the best things of 08 was the amount of time I spent with my husband and daughter. I took for granted the joy I had in my own family and I will not do it again. I want to continue to value them and enjoy our fun time together.
2. My Blogs- While they may take a lot of extra time from my life, blogging has given me such an outlet and has brought people into my life who are supportive and uplifting. I love what blogging brings to my life.
3. Crafting - Along with blogging, crafting is a true outlet. It keeps me living in the moment and makes me feel capable of success and achievement. It also connects me with friends and family in a new way. It has brought a whole new conversation into my life and I feel more grounded by creating things that women have been making for generations.
4. Our House - In this tough economic time, I am most grateful that we have a home. I want to hang on to it and loving create a haven for my family. We are getting to know our neighbors and two new schools are opening in time for little J to start Kindergarten. I love my home and want to keep for as long as life will allow us too.
5. Reiki/Spiritual Healing - I have learned a lot about myself this year through Reiki and spiritual healing. I love the intuitive group I belong to and the new people who have become such a big part of my life. I want to have more of these connections this year and I want to learn even more about myself and my spirit.

Well, that was fun and a very thought provoking exercise for me. It is good to do an inventory of sorts sometime. Thanks for the inspiration Caroline!!!

Awesome quotes today!

2008-12-16T12:37:00.001-08:00

I have been so busy creating for Christmas and living in the moment, I have barely had an idea for a post. However, when I read the quotes on my page today I had copy four of them and post them just so I can look back and meditate on them. I feel they are just that good. I hope you receive as much from them as I did. Let me know what you think!

In the noble eightfold path, what is Right Action? Not to kill, not to steal, and not to engage in sexual misconduct.... -Buddha

Within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and sickness, to riches and poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we who control these, and not another. -Richard Bach

What a man really wants is creative challenge with sufficient skills to bring him within the reach of success so that he may have the expanding joy of achievement. -Fay Nash

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. -Nietzsche

Living in the present- revisited

2008-12-14T04:47:00.000-08:00

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. - Buddha ...

Lately, these quotes have been great. I really like the Buddha quote today. It is something we focused on a lot in Soul Coaching but I think it is important to remember. I also like it because it is a perfect juxtaposition to yesterdays blog about goals. While I full heartily believe in developing goals and bringing them to fruition, I also believe if we worry too much about how and when they will happen we are not living in the present moment. It takes a lot of balance to be able to achieve both.

I know I reveal a lot about myself in these posts, but I find the only way I learn something is by experiencing it first hand. So, bear with me if you have heard this before. I have written before about my difficulty with stress and anxiety. I was given lots of medication to alleviate the symptoms. However, the medicine was highly addictive and I developed problems with abuse very quickly resulting in a week long hospital/ rehab stay. I am not proud of the fact, but that one week changed my life. One of the lessons that was repeated over and over was living in the moment. We were able to experience it because we were not allowed to watch TV, listen to music, talk on the phone or use the Internet. I was forced to be in the present. I saw that while I was in the present I didn't feel anxious and I wasn't stressed out about returning phone calls and e-mails and grading papers. That was almost ten months ago but let me tell you, by just applying this one lesson to my everyday life, I am able to handle my life medicine free. I have less stress and anxiety in my life than I ever have. The hardest part for me is watching others (mostly my mom) live in the past or say things like, "that will never happen." My mother believes that nothing will ever go her way and she revisits the past and rehashes all of the bad things that have happened to her. She is an emotional mess and everyday I want to shake her and scream," you have the tools within you!" Unfortunately, some people will never see that they can heal themselves just by changing their mindset.

So, I think goals and goal setting are important but it should be like a spot in the distance that you aim for, but don't obsess over. I am sure there are goals I did not meet that I had hoped I would, but I don't know what those are because I don't think about them and have forgotten at this point. I think figuring out what you can do today to accomplish something tomorrow is probably the best way to go about it.

Living in the moment takes practice, but for me the way I make it work is, every time I find my mind drifting to what I need to do, what I did in the past, or what I am wishing for while I am doing something mundane like washing dishes, I bring myself back to those dishes. I focus on the colors, the smells, the feelings of touch, the sounds around me. This brings an amazing sense of peace to my mind instantly and suddenly that tense feeling I get disappears. I wish everyone could live like this. I think that would would be such a happier place. Let me know what works for you. How do you stay in the moment? and do you believe that living in the moment really affects our mental and physical health?

Goals for the New Year

2008-12-13T05:19:00.000-08:00

People with goals succeed because they know where they're going. -Earl Nightingale

On the side of my blog I have quotes from all different sources. This morning I saw this quote and I knew I had to write about it. I firmly believe in this quote and try to live my life by making goals. My father first taught us this lesson about setting goals for ourselves. He said if we could envision them strongly we could make them happen. I watched him make several of his goals come true when he was younger, so I had my first proof that this works.

Then I got older and I made it a goal to move to NC. 17 years later, I am still here. I made it my goal to graduate from college with a degree in TV and Film. Check. I had a goal of being a radio DJ -accomplished. I had a goal of working at a TV station - another one down. Then I set a big goal for myself -graduate school. That one took a while to get back into but it was by far the most rewarding and fulfilling. While in grad school I overheard someone talking about passing her comprehensive exams with distinction. I didn't know there was an elevated level for passing and that day I made it my goal. You know what, I passed my comps with distinction and it made me feel like I could accomplish anything. My next goal was a job teaching at a college near the water. Again, five years later, I am still here at my dream job. Marriage, a non-C section birth for my child, home ownership, lots of pets. All of these were goals also and I have seen them all come to fruition.

Sometimes goals change. Once we achieve something we realize it is not really what we wanted, but if we don't try we never know. DJing was not what I thought it would be for me, neither was TV but teaching completes me. It took awhile to get to that goal but I found it eventually. So I like to update my goals frequently. I use a goal book where I paste pictures resembling what I most want and then I turn it loose to the universe. But making lists and just clarifying what is important to you and what goals would enhance your life, that is really the important part. I think if more people envisioned their goals clearly we would have less depression and anger. Too many people leave life up to life and don't realize that they have the power to guide their lives. In the past some of my best friends have made fun of me because they say,"Oh you always get what you want. Somehow everything always works out for Bree." I was always puzzled by this because faith in other sources is important ,but faith in yourself is the most important thing in life. If you don't believe that you can make something happen then how can you?

I have seen many people already preparing for next year by making early resolutions. I am beginning to put my lists and things together in my mind. But until I expose mine, check out Sacred Suzie's blog, she and others have made goal boards that look awesome. Or look at Jamie's project 365 that she just completed this year and is doing again next year. That is a great idea and a great goal to work on all year. I mentioned in my last post that I am going to practice random acts of kindness more next year. There are so many more ideas out there. If you can think of some ways to discover and achieve your goals post them here. I would love to see how other people make their goals happen. Let's make 2009 our year to achieve!!!!

Kindness increasing?

2008-12-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about all of the news this week of secret Santa's and random acts of kindness and I had an epiphany. It is no secret that this year we are all economically challenged. Every country is experiencing it, some more than others, but it is definitely front page news. As a response to that, more and more people who are not so economically strapped are seeking out others to help during the Christmas season. There is even a new reality show about millionaires giving away money to those in need after spending a week pretending to be in need themselves. It seems we are being inundated with stories of kindness and love being spread. I am joyous over this fact. It brings much light to a dark time but I realized something.

Every year no matter what the economy is doing, there are always those less fortunate. Christmas has monumentally been the time when we look out for those others. However, this year the giving started early and will more then likely continue. So my question is, if we are looking out for the less fortunate now, why can't we bring this kind of focus into the world on a full time basis. Why can't we have year round random acts of kindness long after the downfall of the economy has subsided? Why can't we be constant givers always looking to help someone else? I know that the world will always be split with those who do things for others and those who don't, but I guess my wish would just be to see the emphasis from the media on kindness, all the time. Not just when a catastrophe happens. I love that when we are called we will come to the aide of others. Or will we? I myself am going to look into doing more secret Santa deeds and random acts of kindness throughout the year and years to come. In fact, I think this will be a new year's resolution for me. Why not share my blessings with others without gaining praise or attention for my deeds. One of my favorite Christmas movies is Scrooged with Bill Murray because at the end he says the most perfect thing. It sums up perfectly how I am feeling and I haven't even watched it yet this year. I have cried every time I have heard him say this line since it came out when I was ten, because I feel this way so deeply, year round. I think we should all live this way!

"It's Christmas Eve... it's the one night of the year we all act a little nicer. We smile a little easier. We cheer a little more. For a couple hours out of the whole year... we are the people that we always hoped we would be. It's a miracle! It's really a sort of a miracle. Because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it! I know what I'm talking about... I know. You have to do something. You have to take a chance and get involved.

 There are people that don't have enough to eat and who are cold.
You can go and greet these people.
Take an old blanket out to them or make a sandwich and say, "Here.
        "l get it now."        
  And if you give, then it can happen, the miracle can happen to you.
    Not just the poor and hungry, Everybody's gotta have this miracle.         
It can happen tonight for you all!
             If you believe in this pure thing,
             the miracle will happen and you'll want it again tomorrow!
             You won't say, "Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud." It's not!
             It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling!
             You'll want it every day! It can happen to you!
             I believe in it now.
             I believe it's gonna happen to me, now. I'm ready for it!
             And it's great. It's a good feeling.
             It's better than I've felt in a long time.
             I'm ready.
             Have a Merry Christmas. Everybody."

2008-12-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have been lax about posting as I have been engulfed by the hustle and bustle of the end of the semester mixed with holiday preparations. However, I would like to mention that quite a few times I have received great compliments about how peaceful and glowing I look. I am sure the pregnancy helps with the glowing, but the peacefulness comes as quite a surprise.
Yet, when I look below the surface I do find it to be true I suppose. I have been diligently trying to stay in the moment. I have found that living moment to moment is much more appealing than jumping between future past and present. I am enjoying and embracing these last moments I will spend with my current students. I am soaking in the warmth of my friends, new and old, with whom I have had the fortune of sharing engaging moments. I am mentally videotaping every moment my daughter and I share as we prepare for Christmas together. Her curiosity and self explanations for life are uproarious and they keep my spirits soaring. I am enjoying my husband and any warm moment we can share. I am reminded of a Christmas just six years ago when my one wish was to have him feel the same way for me that I felt for him. Now, I find comfort every year knowing I was blessed with my wish coming true tenfold and I am so grateful that our friendship blossomed into love as gracefully as it did. I am hoping for snow, although I know that would be a big surprise for everyone. However, this year I just feel the need to see some. I am enjoying this time of year because while I want to be an eternal optimist, I know that not every year is full of blessings and peace. I am thankful that this year I have been bestowed these blessings. So I guess I am in fact basking in peace and I am praying that everyone else will be too.

Life without Book

2008-12-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

I know it doesn't quite sound like it, but I was using a play on the saying "without country" to imply that is what I feel like without my daily reading assignment and my circle of soul sisters with whom to share insights. However, it is nice to have some down time. I have decided just today that Dec.will be a month in which I spend my time relaxing and slowing down from my spiritual quest. I learned so much from reading Soul Coaching. I didn't have any great ephiany's but I learned that I know a lot more than I give myself credit for and despite feelings of the contrary, I am really on the right path to spiritual enlightenment.

I will take a lot of the day to day lessons from the book on as my own and try to live a life full of less clutter, less self-depricating thoughts, more kindness and more expressions of love. I know it will be needed this month especially when although it should be a time of joy, the rushing and spending can bring out an evil side to most of us. I am focusing on spending time with those I love, rather then finding the right present.

Today I bought a book from childhood that I decided to revisit. Little Women. I couldn't think of a better book to snuggle up with during this cold month. I also bought Pride and Prejudice as a follow up. I have been reading so much self development lately that I decided to switch it up and try to get lost in books this holiday season. I have a lot of crafting and baking to do as well, so these books will be great inspiration. I have found that sometimes great wisdom and inspiration come when we are not seeking it, so I hope by taking a break this month it will find me in the midst of all of fun.

I don't want to go into alot of detail here but I would like to say that while the answers I am seeking haven't come out in full force, some of the dilemma's that were burdening my soul seemed to magically mend over this weekend. I might pass if off as coincidence if it were one but three at once, well I know that was a blessing from Soul Coaching. I am anxious to see what else is to come!

Not an ending, a new beginning

2008-11-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

I am sad that today is the last day of our book. It is dissapointing because it feels like it went by so quickly. However, we have gained so much from participating. New insights, new friends and a new perspective on life.

I finished de-cluttering my closet today. Even though we were supposed to do it during air week, I finally finished all of my decluttering during earth week. I feel grounded and ready to send out my unconditional love to the world. I love the idea that I can send my love out to others by meditating on it while I am out and about. Again, a simple idea that after I read I said, Duh! But, it are these simple ideas that we don't consciously think about when the moment is upon us.
I woke up this morning in a good mood, but when I read about the deaths that occurred on Black Friday I was appalled at the animals we have become. I was deeply upset until I read Denise's words today. She made me feel that I could turn my own emotions around and send love out to the world and particularly those in that situation. Will I know that it has effected the people involved? Of course not! However, I will know that I am filled with love instead of fear due to the situation. I can choose to find the peace within myself. I know that I will be taking this with me as I move on into the new dawn that will begin tomorrow. I may not have a reading, or blog posts based on what I read or blogs to read and be inspired by, but I have gained so many skills, so many thoughts and so many friends. I am not looking at this as an ending, but a new beginning. I hope you will too!

Manifesting my Future

2008-11-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so first off where can I get some of those women friends that Denise had organizing her house and labeling her shelves? While I have been decluttering throughout most of this journey, I am still in desperate need of organizing my closet. I want to pack away the clothes that I can't wear right now to make room for my maternity clothes. I guess I will have to do it without the helpful friends. I will just enlist my husband.

Anyway, today is about deciding what we want our future to be. I think I mentioned this before, but I took a manifesting class this summer and we made goal books. We were to look at it everyday for 21 days. Then we had to put it away as sort of giving it up to the universe. Mine had quite a few pages of things. One was my growing family. I cut out pictures of babies and familes with three or four children. I also made one about how money flows into our lives and since I made that book I have become pregnant and my husband has gotten several websites to design for clients and money isn't as tight as it was this summer(gas prices have helped that too). I also saw myself as a knitter and a seamstress. At the time I didn't even own a sewing machine. I now own two and I didn't buy either one. Both were generously given to me. One was brand new and belonged to my mother in law and the other belonged to my co-worker's aunt and is a war era antique. I had cut out pictures of both kinds. Since receiving them, I completed an intro sewing class and have made two purses, a skirt, a dress for my daughter and have hemmed shorts for my husband. I taught myself how to knit and I have knitted at least 12 scarves since July. So, I can vouch for the power of positve affirmations and visual manifestations. Plus, the creative process of cutting pictures out of magazines to represent ones inner most desires is very fulfilling. I don't know if I am ready to do another one because I still have so much that I am waiting to come to fruition. I am in agreement with Caroline today. I am really happy with how my life is right now and I don't want to focus on the future too much. I will have enough change coming this summer. I want to just enjoy the present I have created and wait to see what other developments will pop into my life. I highly recommend doing this though if you have no idea where your life is going. It helped me really touch on what I desired. I hope everyone has fun today uncovering what you desire most!

Home for the Soul

2008-11-27T06:40:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for our blessings and a home is one of the biggest blessings we have. I thought it interesting that today's lesson about home fell on Thanksgiving. Normally I would travel to someone else's home but this year we decided to stay home for this holiday to relax and enjoy the comforts of our own home. While I know family is the usual blessing celebrated this time of year, I am always thankful for them. I guess this year it feels harder for me to feel at home in my own body, much less other people's homes. I love Jamie's post though about our cyberspace home. I totlly agree that I feel glad I can be at home among my new friends. I have posted less these last two weeks which means I also haven't been able to read all of my friends blogs as often as I like. I can really tell how much everyone is this cyber circle has affected my life. It feels so good to know that I have such a great support system who encourages me, listens to me, guides me and is just always there for me. I do in fact feel blessed today for my home, my friends, my family and of course my pets. I hope everyone's dy is filled with blessings galore and that we all feel at home wherever we are! Happy Thanksgiving!

Detoxing

2008-11-24T09:45:00.001-08:00

Today is all about detoxing the skin and the body. It is odd because I didn't read the entry until later this morning, but last night I felt the urge to use my clay mask. I also used my loofah, which mind you is not the same as a natural bristle dry brush, but since that landed in the toilet when my daughter was a toddler, I haven't had one in the house. I do love a good dry brushing though. I think detoxing is a wonderful idea anytime. I like to detox whenever I can. I can't go into full detox while pregnant, but I have been reading about the wonderful ways some of you ladies are planning to detox and I am so inspired. I have been dreaming of a day at the spa for a long time. I would love to have a nice seaweed wrap and a massage. I may save that for my birthday though which is also the last day of Soul Coaching so it will be a cause to celebrate. Anyway, I am drinking hot water with lemon today and I am being conscious of what goes into my body. This is a pretty easy day for me because I really cannot eat much anyway right now without feeling queasy. So, I hope everyone else has a great detox day. I am going to continue to pamper my body. I need it! Enjoy!

My Body- Are you sure you are ready to read this?

2008-11-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have been lax on the posts for the last two days. We are just days away from vacation at school and I spent this week grading like a mad person. Yesterday, I needed a day of rest. So now I am back to my mission of completing the last week of our Soul Coaching journey.

I am sure most people would not mind writing about their bodies and the relationships they share but I think this is more uncomfortable than writing about death. I don't hate my body. In fact, there are some things I like, but I have always had trouble with low self esteem due to my size. I am not huge, but I am not tiny either. Now that I am pregnant I am even more aware of my body and the changes it is undergoing every day. I am very conscious of what happens to my body and I have been contentious of how I take care of it for quite some time. I am a vegetarian who borders on vegan. I take a weekly yoga class at work and I walk on my elliptical trainer in my living room most evenings. This summer I took up running for a short time period. I know I can accomplish anything I put my body up to. My issue is the fact that I have a congenital heart defect, which I put out of my mind most of the time or else I would find a million excuses or not doing more. I have hypothyroidism thanks to my first pregnancy and although I have done a great job maintaining a weight and not ballooning out of control, it is still discouraging that my body will not return to the size 7 I was when I met my husband. I have issues with my teeth. All dentist's literally laugh when they say bite. It is always followed by a are you serious, this is really your bite? Even after years of braces and dental surgeries, I still need more work done and I am now developing a phobia of the dentist. Oh yeah and I have sleep apnea despite having my tonsils and adenoids removed, so I have to wear a hideous breathing mask every night to sleep. If I don't wear it I am cranky, tired and to exacerbate the weight issue, it slows down the metabolism.

So let me tell you what I like about my body. I like the fact that I was born with six fingers on both hands. I just recently read an article about the new Bond girl and she apparently had the same issue and she was bragging about it in an interview. When I was a kid I told my friends at school about it and they accused me of lying for weeks until my mom finally came to school and told them it was true, so I have always been weary of discussing it. See, they are a birth defect known as skin flaps. They look like a true finger but they are missing bones. They have nerves and a nail though. The doctors now just tie them off like an umbilical cord at birth. When I was two, I had a surgery to have the nerve endings sanded down because they hurt if bumped my hands on anything. I think that is really cool now because I have read that people born with six fingers were once thought to be witches. I can live with that!

I like my tattoo's a lot. I know it is a bit cliche to have tattoo's now, but I am proud of mine. I have two dolphins that make a heart on my hip. I have vines that form the letter J on my shoulder blade for my hubby J and daughter, of course the new baby will be a J too. Then I have my most recent one which is the symbol for strength in kanji on my wrist. This was the most risky because I have always been the type of person who worries what people think which is why I put one where everyone would see it so I could challenge my own fear of being concerned with the opinions of others.
I also like my nose piercing, which honestly made me love my nose so much more. I used to hate my nose because as a child the other kids called me Miss Piggy because of it. I had considered surgery for most of my life. However, the piercing helped me to decorate it and it really changed my opinion of it.
I love the way I laugh, I love my tiny ears, I love the color of my eyes, I really like my thighs and calves and I have recently grown to like the way my breasts look too. I know this is a bit TMI but I am quite proud that sexually I am very easy to please. Not all people can say that so I had to find joy in that fact. It is easy to find the things I dislike and I find the more I pick things out, the more I find to hate. It is all perception. If I look at the Victoria Secrets catalog I will find I am more critical of myself. If I watch shows that highlight teenagers, I feel old. I think the less I compare myself to others the better I feel. Ultimately, I have always felt more beautiful inside then on the outside. I am just glad I have a husband and a daughter who tell me I am beautiful. Because, I know it should matter if I think so, but really they are the only other people whose opinions matter. I have spent a lifetime being called horrible names by horribly disgusting people and as long as I don't see what they see, that is what makes me beautiful. I will always view myself as a work in progress because after all the body is the one thing that never stops changing.

Thoughts on death and dying

2008-11-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

Today's activity is to accept and prepare for our own death. Denise explains the Native American phrase it is a good day to die, which I was glad to have a better understanding of. It is about acceptance and being ready.
So today I am visualizing my own death, which I do quite frequently anyway. I know I am morbid that way. It is not because I hope to die. Certainly there is far too much to accomplish and far too much to see. But if I were to die, I have come to terms with what is to come. I don't fear it. I don't live in fear of it. I will never understand people who are afraid to leave their homes and not do things because bad things could happen to them. That is a person who dies a thousand deaths. I think at one point in my life I was that person but now I am not. I wouldn't want my husband or children to be hurt by my loss, but again I am not afraid of going. In fact, I have pictured myself in the afterlife several times, watching over those I love, floating around laughing and exploring all there is to see there so that I can share it with my loved ones when they arrive. I am quite certain it is not my time. I have some things that I have to bring to fruition like the life of my unborn child. However, I know that should the call come sooner than I anticipate, I will release the desires I have for my life on this earthly plane and will embrace the unexplored. Sometimes I think I would love to stick around for a little while and haunt the crap out of some people who harmed me during this life just for fun, but then I will move on pretty quickly.
I am not really trying to make light of this but having overcome depression and thoughts of suicide more then once in my life, I accepted death far quicker than I accepted life. It is just the last year or two that I have learned to live and enjoy living for me. So, I guess whether I am living today or dying today I am just learning to live in the moment as it comes, which is what Denise says we should learn to anyway. Now I am going to eat some sort of sweet treat because that is what the moment is calling for. Enjoy your death, but enjoy your life more!

What shadows lurk?

2008-11-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

I am fully aware of my own dark shadows. Probably more so than most people think. I am constantly trying to understand my own urges and driving force behind them. Let's take an obvious example. My father is an alcoholic who will not face the fact that he is one or that he is destroying his life and health. No one wants to be around him when he drinks and yet he does so anyway. Instead of looking at this objectively and seeing it for it is, his demon that he has to fight. I judge him for not having the same strength that I did to conquer the demon and change his life and health for the positive. Looking in to the face of my own child made me see how I was destroying my blessings. I want for him to look into the face of his only grandchild and see how he is destroying his blessings. I want him to take charge of his finances and get my mother's obsessive compulsive spending under control before she ruins them and they lose everything. Instead he drinks away his problems so that he doesn't have to face them. This is what Denise talks about as being a dark shadow because I am full of judgment. I judge because I was doing the same thing but woke up and changed it. Now instead of having compassion because someone I love is making the same fatal error, I am distancing myself and judging his actions. I am allowing my shadows and fears to control the situation. My fear being obviously to return to my previous state of blissful ignorance.
In a more positive sense, I can say that as a parent I look at many other parents who parent completely different than I. I do not pick apart what they do and compare uselessly how they or I am the better parent. I am not raising the same child and they do not have the same temperament as me, so why would I judge another person's parenting skills only to cause myself more pain and frustration? Case in point. My hubby is really wanting a boy because he thinks a little boy will be calmer and less drama free then our daughter and according to our one set of friends who have two boys, that may be the case. However, after seeing two other couples, one who has two boys, the other who has one, he realized that not all boys are calm and quiet like our first set of friends and in fact can be more then a handful. They all have different personalities and we are different parents. More than likely a son would be just as loud as our daughter because he would be a reflection of us. So, judging other's children or parenting style is pointless.
I love how Denise explains should's as being a bad word. If I said I should read five stories a day to little J, I would feel guilty. But if I say, I could read five stories, but I would rather read two and have more time to play and snuggle with her before bedtime. I don't feel nearly as guilty and I don't feel like I am such a bad parent. I like to make to do lists and I always have a column for should's. I now realize how wrong this is because if I don't accomplish anything on that list, I will feel badly because I should have done it.
I like the idea of re-framing my thoughts and changing the outcome of emotion. I think this is important and hopefully by doing so I will be able to eliminate some of my dark shadows, or at least be more observant when they appear. I am anxious to read what others see as their dark shadows because I sure it will help me to point out even more of my own. Happy shadow hunting!

To Have Fun!

2008-11-17T05:44:00.000-08:00

I love challenges like this one. I hate to admit but this really is a normal day for me. I usually have a bit of down time between my last class and before nap is over at little J's school and I can pick her up. So , everyday I find myself trying to do something different to kill time. Some days I go for a walk. Some days I go browse a store. Some days I go to the beach and just stare at the water. This is fun for me, to have time that I don't have to account to anyone and can do whatever pleases me. I absolutely hate routines. I can tell when I have done the same thing for too long when my mood starts to feel depressed and stifled. That is why I love the job I have. My schedule is different everyday and then each semester I get a new schedule. I would go crazy doing the same thing over and over again. I admire others who can do it though and thrive on it. I have yearned many times to be 'normal' and follow a schedule, but that is not who I am. It has been hard in my life time to convince others, most especially my parents, of my need for spontaneity and variety. It took me 30 years but I learned that if others can't accept that side of me then I have no room for them in my life. The ironic thing is my hubby is a Taurus and they are known for their stubborn need for routine. However, because he appreciates me and I him, we have found a very happy balance that seems to even us out. He reels me in when I need to be and I give him the freedom to roam. Anyway, I got a bit off topic but this is something I have spent a lot of my life thinking about.
Today we took a different route to work just for the heck of it. It was nice to see different sites and my day felt energized because of it. I have a doctors appointment today and although those are not usually loads of fun, it is off of my routine. So today is off to a good start. I hope everyone has as much fun as you can today!

Fire Fire Fire!!!

2008-11-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am feeling energized today as we enter the fire week. I felt ready to move and get things ready for change. I still had some cleaning to finish so I set to it and I literally saw fire. I decided to clean the kitchen and the stove was in desperate need of a good cleaning. But, with my condition, my husband suggested not using the heavy cleaners and just doing the self cleaning cycle on the stove. I had never done that before so I tried it out. After an hour I looked into the oven and noticed there were two small fires inside. I couldn't help but smile after having just read about the need for fire to wipe out the old and bring in the new. That is exactly what was going on in my oven. I watched until the fire burned out on its own and thought about how much I needed that old stuff to be gone from the stove. The last few times we have used it the house filled with smoke in matter of minutes and it stunk! I know that watching fire destroy homes and neighborhoods is not quite the same exhilarating feeling that I experienced and I send out well wishes for those experiencing the drama.
I am thankful though for a new week and a new set of activities. I admit that water week was not my favorite and I did not accomplish a lot of the activities because my emotions were wreaking havoc on my life. I didn't give up though and I am happy to be entering a week where the element is a little closer to home. Like Caroline, I am Fiery Sag and I know all to well the unpredictablity of this element. It should be a wild week. I am glad I have such excellent comrades to enjoy it with.

Gratitude

2008-11-14T05:26:00.000-08:00

There is so much to be grateful for these days. After waking up in a foul mood, I am glad to focus on my gratitude because it lifted my mind immediately. It can be a most perfect elixir for the doldrums.

Today I am thankful for the ability to participate in a journey that allows me to search my soul for who I really am with other's like me who inspire and motivate me.

I am thankful I live in a country that allows this kind of freedom of expression and I am very grateful for the internet and all of its marvelous inner workings so that we may communicate together though we all live in completely different parts of the world.

I am grateful that I have warm food in my belly, a dry roof over my head, loving friends, family and pets to share my days, a job that I love and co-workers who make it enjoyable, as well as a paycheck that provides all of the material possessions I need.

Finally, I am grateful for the ability to look at things in from a positive point of view. While the rest of the country, watches the stock market and the economy predicting a tight year ahead, I am grateful that I can look at what I have and feel such an abundance that literally more and more just keeps coming. It is truly amazing. Gratitude is a powerful tool that I am grateful to have!

A day to do nothing

2008-11-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

That is just want I need. My mind has been going crazy for far too long. I am happy to just relax for the rest of the day and enjoy time with my beautiful little girl. I have been enjoying my time with her so much lately. She is turning four soon and I have to say this is by far the best age. I had a big issue with working so much and her spending so much time away from me but I am amazed at what a bright, confident, independent little girl I have. She is absolutely fearless and I don't remember being that way. My mom was a stay at home mom for most of my early childhood and I don't think either one is better, but I was really afraid of how she would turn out. So, that is where I am today. Going to enjoy some free time with her. Enjoy your peaceful day's!

Energy zappers, juicers and relationships

2008-11-12T17:17:00.000-08:00

This was definitely an interesting process of discovering my energy zappers and juicers. I was so juiced for most of the day I never got to blog about how I was feeling. Thank goodness I read Denise's line about being on the program even when you have to take a day off. Although the blogging step was lacking, I was still very much on my journey.
Being pregnant makes it a lot easier to feel my energy zaps. When I start feeling moody or queasy I can tell that I need to eat or rest. Well, while doing this exercise, I noticed that I feel the same way when I am around someone or something that drains my energy. As awful as it is to admit this, I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother is one of those zappers. She called me yesterday and I was in a very up mood, but the minute I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, I felt agitated and my stomach was very sick. I love my mother of course, but she is one of those negative people who just always wants to be negative. No matter what I say, life is always miserable and everything is always a fight. I try constantly to get along with her but this pregnancy has made it really difficult for me to restrain my feelings. It is funny that today's exercises were about relationships when yesterday it was definitely relationships that taught me about zappers and juicers. I have quite a few friends at work(I am so fortunate) who really had my energy soaring when I saw them. I realized I need to hang out with them more, maybe even outside of work too. My old base of friends has been in a transitional phase lately. Maybe this energy test is trying to point me in the right direction to making new friends.
Today had me thinking a lot and it was in fact probably the most challenging day on the journey so far. I questioned my judgements and what I mirror back to myself all day. I questioned if I was really a good friend or if I like my mother, push everyone away. I had to wonder if that is why my friends are in a transitional phase. I know that sometimes life will clear out what is unneeded from our lives for us to help us grow. I always question my actions anyway, but I found myself evaluating everything I said today. I made a comment about a friend's husband to her , basically agreeing with what she was saying, but then I questioned myself, should I have said that? I have always been a person of uncertainity and after quite some time I have recently begun to feel more descisive until today. Today brought it all back. I am learning important lessons that is for sure. As a funny aside, my husband asked me what the lesson was today while I was reading in the car this morning. I told him we need to clean. His face lit up and he said," Oh I get it! She is teaching soul development the way Mr. Miagi taught karate." I couldn't help but smile at that one. I think there is something very Karate Kid about this whole clutter out, scrub it clean process. I hope yours is also as enlightening.

Giving positive powerful meanings to my life experiences

2008-11-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

I thought evaluating the past turning points of my life would be difficult, but when I sat down to do it I was a lot better then I thought. Having already found acceptance and understanding for the painful things that happened, I was able to focus more on the positive turning points of my life. Today my job is too assign new meaning to my past experiences, but I think I did a lot of that yesterday. The one thing I got out of all of the turning points in my life was strength. The more challenging times were filled with words like, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and yet following each low point was a high point with words like strength, patience and joy. I can look at my life as a whole now and see that had the unpleasant times not occurred, the joyous times may not have been as joyous. I would not have had quite the same cause for celebration. It was amazing to see the times where my path led me through some pretty shaky ground, but I came out knowing myself and loving myself even more. At times I have even approached this Soul Coaching journey with hesitation, but I have come out stronger for completing the exercises and seeing that I am not controlled by my emotions. The idea of a spirit stick is a great activity and I can't wait to begin. I think that will be an amazing illustration of a life I am not more proud to admit is my own.

Emotional checkpoint

2008-11-09T05:59:00.000-08:00

Today proves to be an interesting day. I am still working on de-cluttering because I did not have the time or energy to do the biggest parts during the week. I have already started my mental checklist of turning points in my life. Some are wonderful and I can't wait to replay them in my mind, but others are painful and I am not sure I want to revisit those times. I know I must but I have worked hard to put those times behind me and grow from the pain. I guess looking at them again with a postive outlook may show me why they had to happen. Anyway, I am putting that part off until this evening before bed. I still want to finish my soul collage today. The sun is shining very brightly today and while thinking about water, I feel drawn to take a walk on the beach. The other day I wrote about the river near where I work. However, the great benefit for living here is the ocean. I grew up in upstate NY and lived there until I was old enough to tell my parents I was heading south. Throughout my childhood, I remember being drawn to the water. I am a fire sign so I guess it is easy to understand why I need water in my life to feel balanced. Now that I have lived here for almost 18 years, I find I don't visit the beach as often as I used to. I think just knowing it is nearby is enough, but today I am feeling the need to feel my toes in the sand and hear the wves crashing around me. So, that is how I will balance out my emotions. I will drink lots of water and say the wonderful affirmation Denise gives for drinking into my cells the nourshing water. I will also repeat today's affirmation that my emotions are not who I am. It will be more challenging then yesterday, but knowing everyone else is undergoing the same difficult process makes it feel that much easier. Good Luck to all!

Who am I? Who I am

2008-11-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

What a great way to start a Saturday! I am so glad the work for this day falls on a Saturday because I want to give this my undivided attention so that I will be aware of all the signs the unviverse is showing me.

Yesterday a friend gave me a book as a gift. It is The Lightworkers Way by Doreen Virtue. Carol and I started a life quest of sorts this summer when we met at a manifesting your dreams class. We have been amazed to find that we have manifested so many of our dreams already. Some of my goals were to learn to knit and sew, which I have done, as well as expand my family, which I have begun. This was a special gift because Carol and I and the other members of the group opened our souls to each other and we have grown closer because of this. Carol was truly so happy about my pregnancy she she gave me a copy of a book that changed her life. Well, this morning I sat down and began my pre-reading practices after I read my Soul Coaching chapter for the day. Here is what I read on the back of the book, "This book is about my own journey of remembering my identity and abilities as a ight worker... You are a lightworker if you feel called to heal others... feel compelled to write, teach or counsel others... and know that you are here for a higher purpose." Talk about a message from the universe. I couldn't believe that I would find a sign so soon after reading my morning passage. Amazing! So much of that is already how I feel about myself. What a great validation. I am open wide and ready to receive. I can't wait to read about all of the other exciting messages the universe has for all of you. Have a great day!

Feeling safe and centered

2008-11-08T05:08:00.000-08:00

This post is a bit late because my Internet connection was out last night, but I still had to post so better late than never.

Yesterday was a true Indian summer kind of day here in NC. The temperature hit 77 and the sky was blissfully blue. I took advantage of the nice weather and went for a lunch time walk along the river downtown, where I work. I have been wanting to do this for a while but I always make excuses like I'm not wearing my sneakers, or I don't want to come back to work sweaty. However, I kept repeating I feel safe and centered no matter where I am, and I felt pulled outside. I sometimes allow myself to be overtaken by a fear of doing things on my own. I always feel safer with a buddy. I know this is irrational and yet there are times when it is so paralyzing. The experience I had brought such joy, it far over powered my irrational fears. Our city has built this beautiful board walk along the river that runs the whole length of downtown. I couldn't help but smile as I walked past people eating outside at the local restaurants, people walking and playing with their dogs and children, exquisite yachts and fishing boats parked and trolling up the river, and the birds and other natural inhabitants of the waterway. I reflected on how fortunate I am to live in a place of such beauty and work in a location such as this. I felt foolish for not taking advantage of this more often. I guess de-cluttering is working not only on my physical possessions, but my mental collection at well. I am glad to be aware of the clutter I unknowingly have been holding on to for no reason. I suddenly fear far more free. What a truly enlightening experience.

De-cluttered

2008-11-06T17:24:00.000-08:00

I felt very energized today! I repeated my affirmation and fresh invigorating energy filled me. I noticed the air on my face as I walked outside today and I noticed that I gravitated outside more then usual. With decluttering on my mind, I walked to a thrift store near where I work and I found two beautiful dressers for my daughter's room. Not only were they very needed but I saved a tremendous amount of money by not buying brand new furniture. Then after a very long and rigorous day I went home and completely decluttered and reorganized her room. It had become quite a cluttered mess. I feel so much better! Those dressers were exactly what we needed to put everything in a place of its own. She now calls it the big sister's room. Not only did this help me to prepare for what is to come but it helped her to prepare as well. Yet again, the changes and growth just keep coming. I really like the energy up/ energy down exercise. I have never been so aware of the ability to feel the difference between energy increases and decreases caused by things. I want to practice this far more, but it really helped with my daughter's room. I cannot wait to try it on the rest of the house. I plan on taking the checklist through the house this weekend as well. I found it interesting to see the vehicle on there. My hubsband always scolds me on the condition of my car. He has reminded me how my car is a reflection of myself several times. So, I guess that is another area I need to declutter.
I am always amazed at how much better I feel when I am done, but I am exhausted as well.

Self Conciousness

2008-11-05T17:35:00.000-08:00

Well it is day four and can you believe my book finally arrived this morning? I have caught up though and am relieved that thanks to all of you, I am not far behind. Today's affirmation is the most difficult one for me so far. I am very good at pointing out all of the wonderfulness of others, but I have a hard time seeing my own. For me, who I am never feels like it is enough, but I desperately need to change this. How can I teach my children to love themselves and accept themselves if I cannot accept myself? I have always said I will love myself when... I just judge myself under a completely different set of values than I judge everyone else. I will make up excuses for others so that I can see the best in them, often times ignoring the truth, yet if I make one small mistake I am relentless with negative self talk. I have been working for a few months now at being nicer to myself, but today's affirmation made me realize I still have a long way to go. Saying it at first made me feel doubtful and very insecure. I had to stop the contradicting thoughts from challenging the affirmation. I used my breathing exercises and brought my focus back. However, I am ready to change this negative outlook of myself and by looking outside of myself today I saw that I am a lot different than I perceive myself to be! It was a very good day of self reflection, challenging but successful. I hope everyone else learned as much as I did!

Time to Clean House!

2008-11-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

I love to spring clean in the fall! I pride myself on not keeping unused things around the house because while one parent suffers from alcoholism, the other suffers from hoarding. Thankfully, I tackled that particular issue a few years ago. About a month ago though, I began my traditional clearing out, preparing for the winter. I think when we are trapped in the house more as the colder weather comes, it is easy to feel trapped by clutter. I try to clear off and clear out in order to make my cottage sized house feel more spacious.
However, not all inhabitants of this house, are the same as I. This morning I went to my three year old's closet to find her clothes, and I found a pile of clothing and stuffed animals mixed with clothes I had separated to donate now that she had outgrown them. Everything was flung every which way and then obviously pushed into the closet so the door would shut. I sighed and realized this weekend would be perfect time to finish the project because while I know I should do it this weekend, first trimester exhaustion limits my weekday projects. So, while my own closet is in minimal need of de-cluttering right now, I can always find a place to de-clutter. I love my family but some days I long for my single life apartment again, if only for the feeling of serenity I used to receive looking at my perfectly uncluttered space. Now I view this constant, repetition of de-cluttering as my commitment to healing. If I didn't have something to clear out, how would I grow? I love this step of the process!
I have read so many great posts today and I am just in awe! I have never been so inspired by so many people. I have also never felt so encouraged and supported and I have to say, that makes this journey all the more special for me.
I read an inspiring quote today and I thought it fits our discussions from these first three days so well. It is- "Crystallize your goals. Make a plan for achieving them and set yourself a deadline. Then, with supreme confidence, determination and disregard for obstacles and other people's criticisms, carry out your plan." -Paul Meyer.
I couldn't have said it better and that along with my clarity affirmation, I will set out toward hump-day with supreme confidence, determination and disregard. Good luck to all who read this post and may all of your political dreams be reached tonight!

Commitment

2008-11-03T06:04:00.000-08:00

Commitment is something that I do not take lightly. The minute I feel I 'have' to do something, is the minute I don't want to. I am a committed procrastinator. Even now, while I am at work, I should be committed to working. However, as a distraction I chose to read blogs. One in particular really resonated with me. Megg wrote about how the minute she decides to commit to something the voices begin in her head saying, you've never stuck with it before. I can relate to that so much and I suddenly felt inspired to write my blog. I am a commitment-phobe. I wanted to be married from the age of ten, but it took me until I was 30 to actually make that trip down the aisle. I self-sabotage every chance I have to commit to the good things in my life. However, that has begun to change recently. I have committed to sobriety for nine months. Not the pregnancy kind either. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and I am no exception. I quit drinking in Feb. and have only had one night where I let loose, only to regret it afterwards. That night was self-sabotage. However, the next day I went right back to my commitment. I am learning that if I mess up and make a mistake, the commitment doesn't end. I have always given up at the first mistake, but commitment is that act of sticking with something. I am learning that there is a comfort to commitment. I couldn't imagine life without my dear hubby. I have been able to comfortably commit to him and it is not even difficult. I am beginning to view commitment in a much different light. Commitment equates with discipline to me. I have been reading for months a book about Shambala. It is a warrior ship, loosely based on Buddhism. I read a verse yesterday that says, a man who lives a life of discipline is far wealthier than one who doesn't. I am paraphrasing but it basically says that there is more to be learned from doing the same things over and over again until it is perfected. When we fitter about, we don't perfect our elements of our lives and therefore do not gain the wisdom that comes from completing such an act. So committing to life would be not a constantly searching, but perfecting what I already have.
So this month I am committing to my aforementioned intentions as well as staying in the moment and perfecting what I have. I am committing to commit and I will not sabotage this!

Intuitive Participation at its best

2008-11-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at how my intuition guides me the most when I do not expect it to. I just sat down from a very long and active day of eating healthy and moving a lot. We purged our front yard of weeds and planted the flowers and things that needed to be in the ground. Then we moved the delicate plants indoors. While I was outside, I made it a point to breathe in the air because the day felt so beautiful and I am a big fan of cool crisp air. After the humidity dissipates and the air doesn't feel as heavy, I tend to feel lighter myself. You can imagine how surprised I was when I read pages from the group and found that today's focus was about air! My intuition was keeping me well established on this path even before the book officially arrived. Amazing! I snapped a picture of a butterfly that stopped by just as we finished pine strawing beds in the yard.

I read on An Eager Soul's page that we should be conscious of the air others breathe as well. I didn't take this to mean literally, but from her explanation I think she was saying that we can't be responsible for the happiness of others but we can see that they breathe a little easier. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this particular event today, but the breathing part really light my light bulb. This morning my family and I went to our local diner for breakfast. Apparently the time change had really thrown some people off and they were short staffed and very busy. One waitress was so harried, I could feel her tension from across the room. One thing after another kept happening to slow her up. She had a customer call and complain about their order, a couple that didn't get their order taken immediately stormed out in a huff making comments about her to anyone who would listen, customers began to line up at the register waiting to pay and leave, while still others were getting up trying to find the Jelly or coffee refills they needed. This was all distracting to her but she held it together until the cash register broke. She had to run back and forth from the extra register, in the back. When we were finished with our breakfast as well as throughout our meal, my hubby and I reassured her repeatedly. While she was at the back register away from the customers, I stopped by and said thank you. I told her how great the food was, which it was, and I told her to relax. I said you are doing a wonderful job. It will slow down soon. She sighed and smiled brightly and I felt like I had done the right thing. I realized that sometimes people just need encouragement during their toughest times. I will definitely be focusing on encouraging others or speaking kind words throughout the month. It really does make a difference. This is my altar that I promised yesterday. The circle of crystals is my Reiki heling circle that is usually on my altar. I have my spiritual supporters as I refer to them. Mary, Buddha and Jesus. My red velvet-ish journal, some sage and an inscence burner. I need to bring my fountain home from work to complete the water element, but for now I think this will do. Thanks for sharing this journey with me. I am already so excited about the responses I have gotten from some of the others in the group. You are all very kind and supportive and I am thankful you are here.

The beginning of things to come

2008-11-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today begins my journey on Soul Coaching. I have to start out honest and tell everyone that my book has not arrived yet. I ordered mine from Amazon and expected it Friday. I am still going to hold to my commitment though and begin blogging today. The odd thing is, I was reading some of the other blogger pages and I was amazed to see that a lot of the intro is stuff I have just recently begun. I have had my altar for a few weeks now, so that part is ready to go. (Picture to follow tomorrow) I have a new journal pulled off the shelf waiting and I have to set my intentions ; I think I am right on track.

My intentions for this month are:
- To be able say no and not feel bad about it. I need to relax this month and I will not feel guilty for saying no to things.
-I will make eating properly a priority. I have been vegetarian/vegan-ish now for five months but since discovering that I am pregnant, I have eaten a lot of comfort foods. This is not good for me or the baby and I would like to focus on having a healthy and happy pregnancy.
- I will shut out others opinions and advice unless I absolutely ask for it. Again, being pregnant seems to encourage others to share their two cents and it stresses me a lot. I will accept that it is ok to not listen to every thing others want to share.
- I intend to spend this month discovering who I am and who I want to be, how I feel they differ and what I need to do to be where I am happy.
- I intend to be kind to myself, my family and others. I am letting my hormones control me more than I would like and I feel it is possible to overcome emotions and not let them affect those around me.
- To move more, whether it be walking or yoga. I feel better when I am moving and this is my goal for the month.

I did the prep work for some of these things today already. I bought a lot of healthy foods. I love this little local farm we have nearby that sells their harvest in their shop. I bought the best tasting apples ever and I bought a truck load of produce. Then I went to the nearby health food store and bought the rest of my supplies. I have already begun meal planning for the meals to come this week which will make it easy to stick to my intentions. My husband gave me an early birthday present today. A new I-pod. I have been asking for one for months. He couldn't keep it a surprise anymore and just gave it to me. (My B-day is the 28th) I think that will motivate me to take walks every day at work and at home. I am very excited about beginning this process. I will try to wing it until my book arrives but thankfully, I have a lot of great inspiration over at The Next Chapter. Let the change begin!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2008-10-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

I want to discuss a slight change in the format of this particular blog. I started this as a way to blog with reckless abandon about anything I want, but I found that between the creating blog and the new mommy blog, most of my comments and ideas are starting to melt together. Therefore, to have some sort of structure, I am going to make this my spiritual journey blog and I will begin with a month long blog series along with other bloggers discussing Soul Coaching. Soul Coaching is a journey to discover the innermost wants and desires of one's soul. I need this now more then ever because with the news of my newest arrival, I want to have my life in order before the big event. So, I will be posting monthly to this blog about my insights and discoveries as I descend on this reading journey.

Something Fun and a time killer to boot

2008-10-21T09:59:00.001-07:00

I figured my blog needed a mindless funny to lighten the tone so I borrowed this survey some one e-mailed me today and thought I would share:

1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Sandy Escape

2. Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Chocolate Mary Jane

4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Dale Albany

5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Flobr

6. Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Black Water

7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Robert Michael

8. Stripper name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Bella Reece's

10. TV weather anchor name (a major city that starts with the same letter, your 5th grade teacher’s last name): Phoenix Phillips

11. Spy name (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Bagel Crepe Myrtle

12. Cartoon name: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Pineapple Skirt

13. Hippie name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Daffodil

Prayer Works and There is Still Justice in the World

2008-10-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

I know that most people would read the above statement and say, well duh! But after my father in law's passing from cancer, I went to a dark place where prayer was just a way to say thanks but I was done asking for things. See he died too young from lung cancer that just kind of blind sighted him. It was a year between diagnosis and death and I felt like no matter how much we prayed it didn't help.

Flash forward two years to now. I have begun to find my spirituality again and I am understanding why some things have to happen no matter how much we pray. I have also learned that asking for the outcome that would best suit the universe and not me or those close to me is really the correct way to pray.

I am not going to discuss prayer in terms of religion, because I believe you can pray without being beholden to one set of religious principles. You can pray to a rock, Buddha, God, Jesus, Jerry Garcia, it doesn't matter. A wise person told me that every thought and every word we utter is a prayer. A prayer is a desire or gratitude that resides in our hearts and minds. So people who say over and over again, 'I'm so stupid' are ultimately praying to be stupid. Thinking of it that way really turned my way of thinking around. I have mentioned before that I follow the principles of The Secret and I believe that we manifest what happens to us by what we think over and over again. If we repeatedly say, I'm broke, then we will only see how broke we are, but if we repeatedly say I am always finding money, our eyes will be more conscious of finding that money. What we say in our thoughts really does matter.

I used to be a chronic worrier. I thought if I played out all of the outcomes of a situation in my mind, I would be prepared for what might happen. That just made me feel anxious though because I never knew what was going to happen or how I would react. To kick the constant worrying habit, I followed Tolle's advice and began to live in the now. If I found myself worrying, I would drag myself back to the present. This helped me get through the past ten months while we awaited my father's trial.

Now that it is over, I can share with the world what lead to my recently overcome depression and what I have been carrying with me for the last ten months. In Jan. a sheriff came to my parent's house and arrested my father on an indecent liberties with a minor charge. The neighbor's, who had become a mainstay at my parent's house rather quickly, had a 15 year old daughter who was making this accusation. This turned my world upside down. This was my father, a man who barely felt comfortable hugging me once I turned 13 and began to 'develop'. I did not think it possible for him to have committed this crime. He is a retired Sargent Major with 26 years of service to his country and the metal of valor. He has served 4 terms in Iraq as a civilian contractor. I just couldn't believe this accusation stood and although the magistrate, after reviewing the evidence, decided to reduce the charge to assault on a minor,(she was claiming he rubbed her butt) we still waited months for the hearing to finally take place. In the interim, my family had quite a few break downs. My father was told if the case was taken to trial he would lose his job and my parents neighborhood eyed every move my parents made very carefully. I had a complete and utter breakdown and spent a few months talking to a therapist about all of this and we all spent many hours praying to anyone and anything that would listen. Learning to live in the moment helped me deal with the months of waiting more than anything ever has. Finally, yesterday my father was vindicated! He was acquitted of the charge and the young girl and her step father were reprimanded for lying on the stand. (Although, perjury is a crime!) Their stories did not corroborate and the judge scolded her for falsely accusing a man of my father's caliper. I am so thankful that all of our prayers were answered. I will continue to pray for the troubled girl and her family who obviously need some help. I will remember this period of my life as the dark period that brought me back to the light and the present moment, where I will remain with my positive prayers.

The right to grump

2008-10-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Some days you just want to be grumpy. No matter how pretty it is outside or how nice everyone is being to you, you just have a fowl attitude that is impossible to shake. I know full well nothing is impossible, but today is one of those grumpy days where I want to revel in being grumpy. I want to yell and stomp my feet and wear a scowl all day. I want to refuse to grade papers or do any lecturing and just sulk. The weird thing is, I don't have a real reason for it. Maybe I didn't sleep well, maybe it's hormones, maybe I am coming down with something, whatever it is I am hanging on to it like a security blanket. My husband says I go through this stuff when I get bored with my routine. Admittedly, I am a person of spontaneity and when daily activities begin to stagnate I feel my restless side reveal itself like a werewolf does during a full moon. I want excitement. I crave some sort of sensational experience to satisfy my desire for change. It could be that the nights are getting longer and I feel trapped in the house more. It is dark when I wake up and it is dark when I get home. That makes me feel trapped. Yet, it could be the economy. I don't care what the big businesses do with their money, but I don't even have extra cash to go buy something or to have a night out on the town with my husband. That makes me feel trapped too. It could be that we are smack dab in the middle of a semester. It is a time when I look at how much we have accomplished and realize we have just as much left to do to finish. While, I should see the race as half way over I see it as a long way to go with only half of my energy left. I tend to see things in extremes I guess. Another reason could be that my 35th birthday is only two months away. This is bothering me a lot. The same thing happened at 25. I feel too trapped in the middle. I don't see myself as up and coming as a 30 year old and yet I don't see myself as mired into a routine as a 40 year old. I have no idea who I am supposed to be at 35. I feel more like 25 on the inside but look more like 37 on the outside. I want to do the fun things the 25 year olds do for fun but with a mortgage and a family I have to behave the way a 35 year old should. Who puts these standards on things anyway? My biological clock is ticking louder and louder each day. I know I am still young but my body says do it now and get pregnancy over with so I can get back to a happy place by 40. However, my mind and my pocketbook are saying another one? No way! We don't have the money for that and the first one gives me such a time I don't know that my nerves could handle another one. But then I think what will 65 be like without grandchildren and I can't depend on just one to provide me with some. Although, with the way the world is today, who wants to bring so many children into this mess? Ahhhhhh, it is maddening the thoughts that go around and around and around in my mind. Maybe I am grumpy because I need to just breathe, relax and expel some of these negative vibes. I know deep down that life will happen the way it is intended to happen and all of this worry will be for naught. Sometimes though it just feels normal to me to be grumpy. Even I, miss happy, bubbly, sunshine, get the blues and today, no matter the cause, I am just going to revel in it. So there! (I am sticking my tongue out for emphasis)

I wanna be a rock star!

2008-09-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

What does it take to be a rock star? I mean besides the ability to play an instrument or sing/scream. I think it takes an anti-establishment mentality and a fuck what you think of me attitude. Now, this may seem so different from the image I have portrayed on my blogs, but deep down I am a die hard rock fan. I love punk and grunge mostly, the madder and louder the better. I don't have anger issues, not anymore at least, but I still love music that revs me up. I am sick of(in the words of will smith) all that hard core dance that has gotten just a little bit out of control. I am a person who thrives on substance in a song. If the words don't mean anything, but the rhythms are cool, I 'll listen for awhile, but if it jams and the song has some deep meaning I am hooked. I have never been a big follower of what bands are hot. I may like a song from this band and a song or two from that band, but I have said before, I don't commit to one style of music. I have three bands now that I have committed to and bought every possible album they have. Anyway, I digress, my point is, I am suddenly so inspired in this revolting time in history to write some meaningful music. I want to create something that is not about sex, or kissing girls or my bling bling. We are all polishing the brass on the Titanic. The ships going down baby, and I have so much to say about it. I want to scream and yell and jump around. Don't you see we have to do something now. The world as we know it is ending and we have to take a stand! The only voice that has ever counted for anything in history is that of music. Music reflects the world around us, or it used to until big money took over. No, I want to go back to the roots and create some old school garage rock that shakes the core of establishment. I want to shake up the world. I don't care who is bringing sexy back. I am so sick of our world being about the glam and not about the heart and soul of who we are as humanity. I have a fever rising up and damn I wish I knew how to jam out. I could break out the flute, but I don't think that would cut it. I have a freakin' electric guitar hanging in my house but do you think I know how to play it? The little voice in my head says, you're to old to start a rock band, but the other voice (I have lots of voices, can you hear them too?) says you are never to old to do something you feel passionately about.
When I received my Reiki attunement, I thought a more calming energy would envelop me and I would grow peaceful and calm. However, I am finding the opposite is true. I can listen to music now and pick apart the chords and the bass line and the drum beats. I always had a hard time with that before. I already know I have the writing ability to create deep and meaningful lyrics, I just need to learn to piece my desire for music ability with it and create something magical. I really am ready to explore this unbridled energy and desire for expression. I don't want to question where it is coming from. Maybe it was in me all along. I just know that I suddenly feel the urge, almost as if something huge is pushing me to open my mouth and spill the thoughts that flow like electricity from my mind to my fingers. I like the quote from Across the Universe, "it seems like music is the only thing that makes sense anymore." That's exactly how I am suddenly feeling. I am in love with music, inspired to create and express. So one day, if you hear my voice or my words come through you like an explosion, just know you heard it here first. I will just wait now to see where the universal forces lead me. Rock On!

We learn something new everyday!

2008-09-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

So here I am at work, checking my blog and proof reading my last posts. Being that my profession is to teach proper form and function in the English language, I should practice what I preach. I was appalled at the amount of spelling errors I found! I know I wrote it quickly but apparently my brain was off for the weekend. Anyway, I saw that I had some horrendous spelling for the word veclempt. At work my American Heritage College Dictionary sits next to my keyboard so I thought I would just look it up. I tried Va, Ve and Vi but all to my chagrin, there was no listing. I tried the next best source, dictionary.com and again was at a loss. I was just about to call my boss, the chair of the English department, but I didn't want to plead my ignorance until all stones had been unturned. My last resort was my husband. He works at the college as well in the IT department. Although he is our web designer, I am ashamed to admit he has a larger vocabulary than I do at times. He worked swiftly and had the answer before I had even finished giving him my step by step research process. What shocked us both was the fact that this word, which has become a staple in our family vocabulary is actually slang. I knew that I had heard it several times when Mike Myers performed Coffee Talk on SNL, but I did not realize he had swiped what I think is probably a Yiddish word and made it an American colloquialism without it ever officially entering the English dictionary. Can you believe that? Now I have to find a replacement word for when I want to say I am all choked up. As if I didn't have enough to do today already. I quote my husband, " Damn you Mike Myers, damn you to hell!"

Ode to a Spider

2008-09-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

This summer we have had the joy of providing a home to not one but two garden spiders, both of whom little J calls Charlotte. Every morning all summer long we would say goodbye to the Charlotte's as we left for our daily routine. The first one we met on our front porch, nested between two shrubs. The second, and more photogenic of the two, was next to the car outside of the garage. Recently we noticed she was getting very round. Her whole abdomen looked like a balloon. Then a few weeks later we noticed her guarding a large brown package attached to the house. Last week though, we walked to the car and noticed she was missing. Little J was looking everywhere for her. Until her father, big J, came out, surveyed the situation, and said, "she is probably lying on the ground in the mulch somewhere." Little J and I both looked at him puzzled. He shot me a look and said, "come on you saw Charlotte's Web. You know what happens." I sighed loudly because of course I knew what happened. I hated that damn movie, the book, even the 80's cartoon. I hate any piece of art that forces me to sob uncontrollably. Shedding a tear is no big deal, but uncontrollable sobs unless someone has died tragically are just unnecessary. Maybe I have too much testosterone for a woman, but I hate crying. So, of course I am fully aware of where Charlotte is but I did not want to get into this discussion before work. Little J piped up and wanted to know why she was on the ground and like a perfect liar without missing a beat, I told her she went off to find food for her babies. My daughter who has learned deductive reasoning at far too young of an age jumped in, "but mom, that's what the web is for. She catches her food in the web silly." I should have just stopped there but instead I said, "No, she needs milk for the babies and she had to go look for some." She was fascinated with this blatant falsity but I figured, let her teacher deal with it. After all, that's what we pay them for right? (Just kidding, day care teachers do not make nearly enough money in my eyes) Now we have an empty package hanging on the side of the house that every morning we wait to see broken open and empty. Our other Charlotte is still hanging in the front bushes. She seems to redecorate her web daily, probably hoping to catch Mr. right soon. It is getting cold and she is really in need of a suitor. Nature is a funny thing that way. One Charlotte has already completed her circle of life and another one is struggling to reach the finish line.

Speaking of finishing lines, I had a great opportunity a few weeks ago to snap some pictures of the butterflies hanging out on our Lantana or as little J calls it, "The Butterfly Bush" Little J and her best bud J had fun trying to catch them. Thank goodness they didn't. Best bud J's mom did though in a more gentle fashion. I have really enjoyed getting to know our friends in nature this summer and although I am rejoicing at the arrival of fall, I am a little veclempt over the loss of our new friends. Here's to Charlotte and the butterflies and a terrific summer 08!

I Love Jack White!

2008-09-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

OK, so I know he has been around for awhile and I am not the first fan to admit her or his affection for him. I first took notice of the sad looking, soft spoken boy in Cold Mountain. Obviously, I knew of The White Stripes, but I was kind of in a music lull. I was pregnant and although I am normally obsessed with music, I was a bit preoccupied. Cold Mountain was saved as a movie for me only by Jack White's performance. See I read the book first and was greatly disappointed by the movie, save for Jack and his luminous snow white skin. Shortly thereafter he took a bizarre turn from his punk/blues/garage sound to help Loretta Lynn, and that is when musically I sat up and took notice. I fancy myself a bit of a snob when it comes to my commitment to a band. After experiencing so many major disappointments from the one album wonders of the 90's,(well any decade for that matter but I really flourished during the grunge era)I now make sure a band has proven itself to me before actually purchasing an album or expressing an interest in said band. It goes without saying that by the time The Raconteurs surfaced I had fallen head over heels for this eccentric, non conformist. Talent is just plain sexy! That is the key. Still, I didn't know if Meg was his sister or his wife, but like he said if they make good music what does it matter?
I buy that, but it matters because even though I am married, I prefer to fantasize about men who are single just to cut the guilt factor in half a little. When I heard he had married a model and had a child that was it, he was cut from the list. Jake Gyllenhall became the new man staring in my nightly performances, but he didn't sing and I really have a thing for hot guys who can sing. Not to mention the fact that I fell in love with him in Jarhead but still could not get the whole Brokeback image out of my head. I am all for gay support but who wants to fantasize while the leading man is shouting," I can't quit you Ennis! " It kind of kills my mood. There was always my fall back, Joaquin Phoenix and his Jack White like portrayal of Johnny Cash, but I had played that one out far too much and he hasn't given me any new material to work with.

I was a little sweet on a few of the boys from Heroes but they are all a little too good boy for me, at least the hot ones anyway. I married the good boy, that is why I have to fantasize about the dark, bad boy's. So, I am back to Jack because while he is not classically good looking, he is uniquely intriguing to me. It must be the brooding. He reminds me a lot of one of my original fantasy men from childhood, Jim Morrison. He has that same, I'm in it for the art not the crap so get out of my face with that fucking camera, kind of look. I love it! I may not love that model wifey of his who really destroys the fantasy for me, but I am running out of fantasy men and after spending the evening watching a live concert, I suddenly feel the need to revisit this tall, dark, extremely talented and mysterious piece of man candy.
So now that I have gotten that all worked out. I am going to welcome Jack back to my life. I am off to sleep these crazy musings away and dream of a place where Jack White sings sweet lullabies to me. Good night and sweet dreams, you know mine will be...